Turn on brain (and release endorphins naturally please)

Posted: 20 J00000010UTC 2011 in Update
Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

After coming to this new school about one month ago, there have been mishaps since the first day. They initially had me as a commuter, unbeknownst to me, and when they “fixed” the situation, the best they could do was put me on an all guy’s floor (no big deal considering my previous living situations over the past year) saying that I’d move in approximately three weeks.
Three weeks has come and gone, and the temperature hasn’t changed. I was supposed to have an accommodation in a single room due to my sleeping difficulties. How can I sleep when It is (literally) 100 degrees and they don’t have AC? How you don’t have AC in one dorm but improved other dorms with hot plates and mini-fridges over the summer is beyond me.
Then, to top things off, during tennis tryouts, the coach gave us two days to prove ourselves, not even staying around for the second practice. He said he would take 12 people, and ended up only taking 8.
He intentionally paired me up with a top player, so the score would be skewed at the end, his reason to justify a lot. He said that I had the technique, good instinct on the court, but that my fitness/footwork needs to improve. What better time than in the off-season where there are girls who made the team I know I can beat, and I think they get the spot out of seniority.
The other week, I was forced to see a doctor, because I haven’t been sleeping well for months. Long story short, it caught up with me. This man proclaimed that I didn’t have CP (Cerebral Palsy), that it was a garbage diagnosis, and that I didn’t look like I had it. He said I fit more like someone with Aspergers. Really? After multiple surgeries, treatments, and testing since 1 and 1/2 (maybe earlier) and you want to tell me that my brain isn’t damaged after meeting me for 5 very sleep-deprived minutes of my life? I don’t know who qualified him as a doctor. He did admit that I knew more than he did and that I knew more than most psychiatrists.
I missed some very important class material that day that messed me up. I am now forced to see someone in the counseling center weekly, which will end abruptly after 10 sessions, as that is their limit.
Last week, I got two exams back, and did horribly. My tutors tell me I’m too smart for these classes; frankly, I know if I can’t explain/conceptualize basic functions, I won’t be able to proceed into the higher-level classes. This is my dream, and it is slowly (once again) slipping away. It’s like a still-life, someone reaching over the edge of a cliff, holding onto what appears to be a human. The last stretch, the ultimate act of willpower overcoming physical strength. It can’t slip away this time.
All weekend, the idea of ending it came in and out of my mind. I don’t want to go to my session this week, because they give me a questionnaire about mood changes/thoughts, etc.
It’s hard to have no family support. My father’s “partner” (aka xxx) ruined the relationship between him and me again. It’s hard to do this alone, and I know this has to be the right school for me; it’s just something’s not clicking in my brain.
I can count on one hand how many people truly understand my brain, and I know I’m not one of those people. I wish for once people would adapt to me; it’s really difficult to constantly adapt to the world and the way other people process information.
If I’m honest, I know what they’ll want to do. I’m not going back in, not completely ruining my chances this semester. This is my last strand. I did put all of my eggs in one basket, and if this one breaks, I break.


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