I am matter, I don’t matter

Posted: 20 J00000011UTC 2011 in Update
Tags: , , , , , ,

This is not some story about self-pity; it’s about my realization of why I rarely take my own feelings into account. This thinking developed over many talks with professionals essentially ending up in realizing that I don’t practice what I don’t preach.

The title of the blog evolved out of my current studies in science. I am attending a school where I am fortunate to be given the chance to design my major. Being that I already have an AA’s in Psych. and Liberal Studies, I didn’t want to put these to waste so-to-speak. I am also interested in Psychology; I decided to not pursue the field because to be blunt, I didn’t want to be amongst classmates who were constantly trying to work out their own psychological conflicts through their education (it’s a lot of people believe it or not). I have wanted to be a doctor from as young as I could remember, about 6 years old. Why then? I recently realized that at that age is essentially when I got the “good to go, nothing better, nothing worse” checkup. This also happened to be on the same day that my brother developed signs and symptoms of a completely unrelated neurological condition. I was as “fixed” as I was going to be at that point. I didn’t see myself as becoming a doctor though, because negative messages were conveyed to me from people who were in my life the most-mother and step-father.

I decided to give it one last go at one more school (I’ve attended 6 other institutions of higher education). My self-designed major investigates the mind, body, and spirit. I  study areas from psychology, pre-med. requirements, and spirituality/religious studies. Why? In its truest sense, this embodies holistic medicine, or “whole person” care. I am hesitant to use the word “holistic” because nowadays, it is often tainted and only recognizes Eastern medicine practices. Though that is one component of holistic medicine, Western medicinal practices are also incorporated.Finally, in understanding spirituality and religious practices, and self-motivation and habits psyche of humans, I learn more about  “why we do what we do”.

I have written this post over a period of several days. Initially, I was at ends with life, teetering on the edge, as I seem to do often. The essence of this post is to relay why I feel the way I feel. Two examples come to mind:

1. After my brother’s first major surgery, which caused him to lose hearing in his left ear, I was told to sit on the other side of the car. Traditionally, “my spot” was against the window on the left side of the car, my cozy corner. Upon being told abruptly one that I had to move (I was 8 or so), I was rather upset. My mother couldn’t understand why I was making such a huge deal out of this, acted like I had no compassion for my brother. Mind you, she was absolutely taking his physical state under consideration, while my emotional well-being was absolutely invalidated.

2.  During a very recent phone discussion about Thanksgiving with my father, we discussed my disdain for the holiday beginning at a young age with the announcement of his and my mother’s impending separation being on Thanksgiving at the age of 3, while watching the parade. I presume they picked this day to tell us because neither had work. This is only one of the reasons, however my father said, “You should be happy.” I replied, “Why?” HIs response, “Because then you wouldn’t be happy…” I asked him what he meant by this. Instead of “You’d hear the fighting, see the hatred, any regular answer, he explained, “If I wasn’t happy, you wouldn’t be happy.” How awkward… he still continued on with his life, and second marriage was to one of the most abusive people I have ever met. Who did she direct every kind of abuse towards? Yep, you’re reading that person’s writing. So yeah, I wasn’t happy anyway.

This is why I understand that though I am matter, I don’t matter, at least not to those who were supposed to care for me and protect me. I am currently working on self-worth, and validating myself. Self-care is at the core of it all.

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