Wait… Life can be good?

Posted: 20 J0000002UTC 2011 in Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

I had a major life change a few days after my last post. I met with my therapist and I had been restricting my food intake all week, to the point of losing about 7 pounds in a week, something I was proud of at the time and not now.

The conversation went something like this:

her: “You’re on the brink of hospitalization.” me:  “No, no I have school.”
In my mind I refused the hospitalization, all the while knowing it was a possibility. I also knew I was sick of all the hospitalizations. her: “You need to feel your emotions rather than act out on them with self-injurious behaviors.  We won’t be able to delve deep if we can’t even get past the surface because you’re “protecting” yourself with negative coping mechanisms.” me: I thought that was silly and told her “It hurts too much (to feel emotions).”
her: “It’s supposed to.”
me: “No, no it hurts REALLY badly, it’s unbearable to feel my emotions”her: “it’s supposed to, that’s how you heal.”In my mind that day I made a subconscious decision (without telling anyone) to change my behaviors for a while. I didn’t have a set amount of time, just figured I’ve tried the negative ones long-term and they’ve only worked occasionally and sometimes short-term. Then I have to do more and more extreme behaviors to get whatever it was I was seeking in the first place. Let’s back up a little and I’ll give you some background info.:I’ve thought to myself every day since suicide seemed like a feasible option that I would die by my own hand, my own fate one day no matter how much I try to heal. I never shared this with anyone, until a few weeks ago after my first week nearly completely free of negative behaviors. This was drastic for me, considering I’m accustomed to doing dozens of negative coping mechanisms in one day.She told me a few weeks prior that happiness was a possibility for me and since I hadn’t tried positivity long-term, it made sense to give it a go. I had consistent thought patterns that the world had wronged me. I didn’t see how my ten near-death experiences, terminal illness in my brother, cancer in my mother and being abused and neglected in every possible way was ok. Did I mention this was all before I was even a teenager? My worst fear came true in adulthood: Homelessness. My best guy friend is dead, gone. I found out via social networking. My relationships with my family are virtually non-existent. It’s been months since I’ve seen anyone who shares the same DNA as me. I could go on and on, except that’s not the point of this post. I’m not here to say woe is me.I’m writing to say that life is good, life has meaning for me, even if I don’t know what it is. I’m not riding on a rainbow, I just feel different. I don’t know, dare I say I feel happy? I told my therapist that I’ve been feeling heightened emotions, equating it to a woman who has PMS (I don’t experience those symptoms usually). I told her I don’t feel any positive emotions, only negative. She smirked, saying “Hmmm really?” as though she expected it. She said I haven’t been modeled or received positive emotions, it makes sense that they haven’t come out yet. Major incidents have transpired over the past week and I’ve dealt with them, without negative coping skills. I’m still looking to develop a plethora of positive coping mechanisms, suggestions highly welcomed!

  1. truthling says:

    My apologies… the version posted was not the most current. Just realized this error.


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