Fuck fuck fuckity fuck. Tharnks, Rockstar Ronan’s mom Maya for making that an awesome phrase to use, fitting of many situations.

I got off the phone with B, and was finally able to clarify what she had said the other week about a double relationship with K. Well, that was odd, because I found out that her double relationship as she sees it really isn’t a big deal, rather consists of half of the session being therapeutic and the other half catching up on K’s life, talking about life as if they were regular people. However, B brought to my attention that even though K doesn’t want her sharing with anyone (of course B told me- who knows maybe she’s trying to stir up my emotions, evoke a bit of jealousy to feel as though she has something I can’t or don’t have).

When I had asked B about where they’d have lunch, B wasn’t sure but then said house or park. Didn’t K tell me just the other week that it was a bad move to go to B’s house on the day she was fired? Didn’t she regret that? Obviously not, or I guess regrets die quickly.

I watched baby videos today and yesterday. As a baby I had no reactions to when Barbara was touching me, and it makes sense now.

Friday sucked though, First, I wake up to an e-mail that someone at our school died early this morning, cause of death, unknown at this time (I suspect suicide). Then, I go to an intake at an Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP) for eating disorders.

I was first greeted outdoors by an unkempt man, only to be brought into the office and greeted by a lady who was so thin, I could absolutely imagine what her skeleton looked like. Next, the intake coordinator who is also the owner I believe, was totally impersonal and I felt really awkward around him. He put his hand out for me to shake and I REALLY didn’t want to and avoided it, and he kept it out until I shook it, and he shook it far too long and I felt contaminated after the shake that I didn’t want to give in the first place. Even today, it’s giving me the heeby jeebies just thinking about it and I feel dirty. 

I didn’t make eye contact with him. He wanted me to open up immediately about certain things. Here’s how the intake went:

Me: “just because you closed the door and have letters behind your name doesn’t mean I’m going to spill my life to you…. especially the first time we meet.”

Guy was an asshole and asked me to put my phone away even though I wasn’t doing anything on it. I just need to constantly fidget, thank you ADHD

Me: You don’t even know what I’m doing on it.

Asshole creep: What are you doing on it?

Me: That’s not something that’s any of your business. (The guy evidently had a complex and felt the need for power and control, made apparent especially when 2:00 came around and he said he had someone else to see and refused to answer my question.)

Me: So are you going to “allow” me to come here?

Asshole creep: I’m not sure this is the right place for you. I think you need someplace that has a more psychiatric component. I have a 2:00 appointment now.

Me: Really it’s a simple question with a simple answer. You’re judging my case by what  you’re reading on a paper and hearing from me, even though I’m telling you most of my treatments were mistakes and forced upon me as the Identified Patient. So, what are you going to do?

Asshole creep: I’m going to call so and so to see if there’s a more appropriate place for you and then call you. Sorry it didn’t work out (totally unsympathetically).

Me: Oh, well thanks, I’m used to it…  walked out.

Asshole creep deemed my case too complex.  He was bizarre, thought that I need more psychiatric level of care, didn’t look at the big picture like only two people have throughout my various treatments. It takes a special individual.

 

Then I saw K and that was horrible from the get go. I was devoid of emotion. I finally asked her why she didn’t respond to my text earlier this week:

“I’ve tried to do something about disconnection and nothing’s working. I’m really detached and idk why or what to do about it.”

K: I didn’t know what to say. It wasn’t specific enough, I thought “oh, thanks for letting me know”.

I started to get heated, thinking that no one really does understand me and no one ever will. K and I went in circles about how I logically know that I don’t have a family, I read Adam’s text to her (the one when he told me I’m not part of the family) I told her about the student’s passing.

K: How do you feel about all that? (nice, typical therapist response/question-I’m smirking internally)

Me: I don’t feel a thing about it, I don’t feel anything. 

She kept repeating that she doesn’t know how to help me in this way and that, and I kept saying

Me: I need support. 

K: What does that look like?You need to specify

You damn well know B didn’t ask K to have lunches with her. K simply rescued her, and apparently won’t rescue me.

K: What you want is unreasonable and you can’t expect everything to work out the way you want it to and for support to be there the way you want it. It doesn’t exist. There isn’t someone like that to fulfill what you want.

Me: Oh, ok (in sarcastic tone). It seems hypocritical because other people get it, and I just need support.

K: What does that look like?

Me:  I don’t know because I’ve never truly been given it.

K: Well ok, that makes sense. It’s because you don’t let people in.

Me: That’s because when I do let people in, they let me down.

K: That’s because you try to find excuses for why people aren’t good enough for you.

Me: I’m confused because for the longest time I would constantly go back to my family thinking they were good for me and I was the problem and then I finally realized that wasn’t the case and went away from them. 

K: You pick out people’s faults and then shut them out, like it gives you a reason to not connect or something.

Me: That’s not true. I know that my advisor has faults and I still like her. There’s plenty of people who I may have done that to, but not everyone (as she was insinuating).

I kept saying I needed support and was confused because it seems hypocritical to say one thing and do another (as is the case with her and B and how she’s about to have lunch with her everyday, though I didn’t mention it).

So why is K being a rescuer for B and not for me? She’s enabling her behaviors by going to have lunch with her the sicker she becomes.

K: You don’t need to have something drastic happen and be really sick to get the support you need.

Me: That’s not true, apparently I do because when others are, they get it.

K: Harshly, loudly, abruptly, she said, “Is all this about the B situation again?

I went into it. First I started staring, then my right hand began twitching and then I kept trying to fight off the seizure. K tried to get my focus and couldn’t. I knew everything going on, just couldn’t talk.

This was the first Psychogenic non-epileptic seizure (PNES A.K.A. NES)  I’ve had in well over 1.5 years. While trying to fight it off and not being able to talk, I realized that it really does stem from pre-verbal abuse. I couldn’t express myself as a baby, and I couldn’t talk at present moment.

K: Laura, Laura, Laura. If you won’t reply to me, I’m going to have to call someone to pick you up.

She said this a few times, and then grabbed her phone.

I tried to get my neurons reconnecting, anything to indicate that I heard her, and just couldn’t respond.

Well, she proved to me on a different level that getting sick does get one attention.This is not what I intended, this is just what happened for being in a heightened emotional state.

K: I can’t just leave you in this state. I’m going to have to call someone to pick you up.

I thought I knew what she meant, and I tried to get my neurons firing again to say no don’t summon an ambulance. I mean so many reasons revolve around that. I’d pay a butt load of money for something that’s not pre-authorized, and I’d probably know the people on the ambulance since I’ve done EMS work in that area. Plus, hardly any medical professional actually understands PNES.

I find it weird because I experience body sensations I can’t really describe. Speaking as someone who has suffered through long bouts of dissociation (months at a time), I’d say PNES’s are worse because I remember them and I feel a sensation that I can’t control and I can’t talk even though I’m fully aware of what’s going on.

Eventually I wrote notes on my phone to K and showed them to her. I stayed way past my original appointment time, and by the end was speaking broken, monotone, robotic-like sentences. At least the cloud of detachment lifted a little, almost like a fresh start to feel emotions. I put this shield up, and when having a slight seizure, the shield became a little less strong. This may be good, at least therapeutically for feeling emotions, even though it sucks to feel them.

K says it makes sense for that to have happened, especially if I haven’t been having emotion for nearly 2 years (I corrected that, saying it was only 1.5 years). She said it’s like I just push the emotions away immediately and then they get stuffed (like the teapot effect).

B called me as I was in K’s office. Earlier, I told her I’d be at her house around 4:30. She called me as I was fighting off the seizure and I wasn’t able to answer.

I did see B after K deemed me fit enough to drive. While hanging out with B, she asked me when my break would be, when would I be moving out there (for the summer). I told her mid-May and she tells me that  more lovely news. The house manager/owner of many sober livings told her I’m not to be living in her house come summer, and that I’d be living in the shitty house I lived at last summer and over winter break. This is the house with people significantly older than me, older people who are super unstable and a house manager who is constantly high on pain pills.

Um, no thanks! When was the owner going to tell me this? Probably never, pawned the task off onto B. 

Oh yeah, also it was my friend’s birthday earlier this week, missed it because I didn’t see her and found out that my group of friends I eat most meals with are going to celebrate tonight. I wasn’t invited. wtf? I really don’t have friends, the world is a cruel place.

Oh and I can’t get excited to study abroad because I have no guarantee that Ken will actually pull through and purchase my ticket, considering triple ex has constantly talked him out of things and he meshes with other’s personalities, instead of having an individual personality.

To sum up, I’m looking at another ED (eating disorder) program except I don’t think the timing works well on this one and I may not be able to go. K wants me to get the ED under control so we can work on things further like grieving.

Monday may suck… a lot. My step-aunt died nearly two years ago on the 8th and when calling my step dad (Michael) to say my condolences and saying I could come to the funeral, he told me pointedly that I wasn’t invited because I since I hadn’t been speaking to Barbara that would be hard and it was already hard enough. He talked to me like an animal just as he has done most of my life. I never felt true emotional connection with him, he’s a fake.

6 days later, I found out via Facebook that my best guy friend Morgan died on April 8. So both my aunt and he have the same death day.

K was talking about my need to grieve and then I said to her the grief isn’t so much an issue for my aunt as she and I weren’t close; it was merely the harsh response I got from Michael in regards to the funeral situation. With Morgan however, that’s a whole separate entity and I haven’t really had the chance to grieve like  should, because I’ve never really grieved anything.

She suggested that I do something in memory of Morgan, asked me what he and I used to do. We’d drive to places without a destination in mind, we’d watch movies until the wee hours of the morning, we walked the pier in Santa Monica. We hung out, we talked about anything and everything. Existential talks, I miss them. I miss Morgan. I did connect with someone, and that someone is no longer here. I get why I’m so disconnected, so detached.

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