You know why this sucks? It’s dormant, one day I think I’m good, enjoyed one day, and the next day, out of nowhere it attacks It messes with my mind, at least dysthymic depressed people can expect, can predict that the day likely won’t be grat if their depression is untreated.

Meds. don’t help for me, they actually make things worse. It’s called Bipolar Type 3 which is NOT bipolar, but the DSM has no way to classify as of now. Essentially, it’s that antidepressants actually make things worse, actually having an adverse or no effect from taking them. Psych. meds. are the only meds. that have no long-term evidence of efficacy, and psychiatry is the only doctor-directed field that exists nowadays.

Consistency form day to today is taken for granted by most people. I would love to know that when I feel good, it will last. I understand that it can’t be permanent, I just wish more “good” days or even times existed.

My analogy for situational depression:it’s like prey sneaking up on you in the savannahs picture Simba in Lion King when he was learning to hunt.

A friend’s analogy for this disorder; it’s like a python wrapping around you, until you have no breath to live and cease to exist. Fitting, particularly when intertwined with an eating disorder.

I was thinking about how things have become quite impersonal. Often, texting is seen as impersonal, conversations are done electronically and the value of human contact has disappeared.

Texting

With the disease my brother has, texting or e-mail is all we have. He hasn’t learned enough sign language to communicate through a medium such as Skype. Most likely, his hearing will only decline. He’s about 90% deaf. 50% can not be restored, at least with the medical advancements that currently exist. You can’t fix auditory nerves that were ruined when removing a tumor. Because of NF2, the impersonal nature of texting has to exist because I can’t talk to my brother in another way.

I mentioned to him that specific vegetarian and vegan diets has been shown to slow tumor progression. He thanked me, he had no clue. Seriously? Health 101 people. Interesting and surprising that Barbara never mentioned to him that diet was an option, as she seeks out any sort of treatment for his disease day after day. When I told K that he’s super skinny, and that this has been attributed to the disease, K said, “or not” (referring to the possibility of an eating disorder). Hmmm. See this is why doctors ought to practice comprehensively. This is why I’ll become a doctor an provide what I believe to be the best possible route for the patients.

Ironic as all else that we both have not only neurological disorders,  but central nervous system ones at that. And Barbara (contributing to 1/2 of our chromosomes wanted to be a neurophysiologist since the age of 9 and didn’t pursue that path.

It’s my birthday today, and apparently calls are just considered an inconvenience. It’s days like this I’m reminded that I really don’t have a family willing to take time to appreciate me. Honestly, it’s just an arbitrary day that is indicative of our place in the universe at one moment which can be represented by a calendar day every 365.25 days. Wordy, yes. I don’t mind.

I kind of wish I were back in elementary school, bringing cupcakes for the class, when even if the world was crumbling around me, at least one day existed where I was the focus of people’s attention, and for one day, I mattered.

 

 

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