It’s Dark Out And my Brain is Lit Up

Posted: 20 J0000006UTC 2011 in Addictions, Depression, Health, sleep
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Why can’t I sleep? Many reasons, many distinct circumstances that when I think about, I write off as no big deal. I’m starting to think they are a big deal.

Tonight I was told to go to bed and when I asked if she had spoke. To the supervisor, she didn’t care, she didn’t want to hear me say no again, don’t say no to her, don’t tell her no again. I didn’t want to be silent about my issues. She goes on to say she’s there for support. Maybe the support I require is that of having a compassionate human being (put in a job to do just that) next to me, physical presence.

How the fuck are you going to say that and tell me I need to leave and go to bed, specifically when I’m telling you that doesn’t work for me? I can’t go to bed until I’m dead tired or I cry and cry and cry. Falling asleep crying is not a fun way to fall asleep, perhaps it’s be worst way.

Memories of being unable to be consoled come up with this incident. Memories of people not giving a shit, not being able to comfort me in the literal dark places of the night. My mind has been in dark places during these dark times and yet is all lit up, on fire. Tonight rather than allowing me to do things on my own timeline, I got more heated with this discussion, more awake than I was two hours ago. More reminders of why night sucks.

People aren’t there for me when I need them to be. I understand they can’t be particularly in the wee hours of the morning. Except I can’t be here for me either. The night is a dim lonely place and I envy those who use sleep as a safe haven, an escape. Sleep has never been that for me. So even getting the assistant supervisor on the phone doesn’t help even though I thought I knew her, I thought she understood me. I thought wrong. It’s not funny and there’s no need for be house mom and her to laugh at me or my situation. I wish it were as simple as laying down and going to sleep.

It’s never been like that for as long as I recall. Instead of helping me get through the dark times, people have locked me into my own room, placed locks on all doors except mine. Shoved me into my room. I remember insomnia setting in when I was three. I remember always being told to go bad to sleep, rarely if ever consoled. I’m not strong enough at this moment in time to provide that consolation to myself. I need human compassion, not more neglect.

Today was another example of how my cognitive processes diminished. I meant to look both ways before crossing the street, and I forgot to until the last second. I was inches away from being struck. The other day I was nauseous all day long, sleep deprivation does that, it does a number on an individual. I don’t want to have a decreased brain volume, another common finding in insomniacs. Aren’t I lucky though, everyone’s experiment, the exception, primary narcolepsy AND primary insomnia, go figure. All I ever wanted was a primary caregiver. I know eventually I have to turn to myself for that… tonight or this morning is not the time.

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