And this is why I numb myself out

Posted: 20 J0000007UTC 2011 in Addictions, Depression, Entertaining, sleep
Tags: , ,

I unexpectedly moved houses two nights ago and am living in the more independent transitional living for people who struggle with eating disorders. Wow, that still gets me every time even as I write it. I have an eating disorder. I actually have many.

In my second therapy session with the trauma therapist, I explained why I can’t be alone. She immediately wanted to create an action plan, asked me what worked. I told her not much has worked, I’ve exhausted my measures after all. How many additional contingencies can one conjure up anyway? The list isn’t exhaustive, and it seems that I’ve used mine up. She asked me if I feel hopeless to which I agreed that I feel a bit hopeless.

The house I’m living in doesn’t have support nearly 24/7 as the other one does. I did not know this upon arriving and yesterday, Sunday was quite difficult as there was no support person there and I busied myself all day, hoping to stay out of my mind.

I arrived home today to find the door wide open and no one here. My laundry from earlier today was in a pile, still wet on a recliner. I had initially planned to go to Krav Maga after the Partial Hospitalization Program today and I got a bit lost on my way there. I can’t locate my cell phone charger at the moment. No phone to navigate, just my brain, which lately at least today is far from reliable. I struggled to find the location of Krav, and then just decided to attend a later class. I went back home, ate two protein bars and headed out again considering my uneasiness being alone.

Off I went in my car only to be lost again, and again I headed home, too tired to struggle to find the place though I did find it while heading back. I walked into an empty house. I walked into the empty room I sleep in, soon to be even more empty permanently considering my room mate is flying back home tonight. I walked over to my pile of belongings, attempting to sort them to find my charger. No such luck. Paralyzed with exhaustion, in a zombie-like state, I decided I want to sleep tonight. I took pills, no nothing to an unbelievable extreme, just enough to hopefully numb out of this world for a while, away from the chaos of my mind. I hope to drift off to sleep soon, and stay there just long enough to get a decent night’s sleep.

I wonder what it’s like to feel at peace as one sleeps and wakes. I aspire to have a decent night’s sleep, free from the burdens my mind remembers and creates.

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