Beating Myself Up

Posted: 20 J0000009UTC 2011 in Health, mental
Tags: , , ,

Better late than never right? Wrote this a few months ago, realized I didn’t post it.

Met with the therapist today. Both of us agree that my extreme emotions and subsequent reactions have to do with sleep deprivation. I can’t function and that doesn’t fly too well when you have full time school and two jobs. It’s not as though at the moment I don’t have time to sleep, rather I can’t stay asleep.
My sleep study results came back and though I test positive for excessive daytime sleepiness (no shit), I don’t test positive for narcolepsy because I don’t present with cataplexy. That is utter bullshit. Any knowledgeable doctor knows that cataplexy is not present in all cases. Anyway at the present, it’s back to the pathetic diagnosis of idiopathic hypersomnia. Idiopathic anything is just another way to say “I swear I’m not an idiot even though there’s evidently a problem with the way you’re functioning” & chalk it up to that rather than the non-macho insurance companies actually taking credit for the signs and symptoms a patient presents with rather than the associated labels.
I’m up to moon and back with how heated, annoyed and frustrated I am over this 3+ year battle with this and multiple insurance companies and doctors. I’m sick of having no help in the matter and no positive resolutions. I’ll be blunt: last night when I found out the news, I wanted to kill myself and was seriously considering it. The road ahead is looking gloomy. The same pill that put me into poverty may ultimately cost me my life. Last night I averted death with self-injurious behaviors instead. Today, I literally beat myself up, particularly my face. It was a double whammy, I got to hit someone and that pain got to go into me. It was like two people in one body. I know this doesn’t sound ok, I have no additional justification or explanation at this time.
How pathetic, and to think that’s kind of what the insurance companies want; it’s better for them to not have to deal with me and obviously, I would t have to deal with them or this barbaric system I was born into. Two years seems a long way away, we’ll see if I make it until then with my escape abroad to a country who cares about those who reside in it.

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