Is this quote actually supposed to help me???

If I didn’t already have an eating disorder, what is occurring now would undoubtedly propagate one. Currently, the esophageal spasms I’m having (Jackhammer esophagus/hyper-contractile esophagus) prohibit me from in-taking any solid foods. At the doctor’s office yesterday, I learned the intricacies of the health care system a bit more. Apparently, the reason I haven’t been able to find nutrition drinks such as Boost or Ensure or the equivalent is because they don’t exist here. Yeah, that’s right, you read correctly. The only time a patient is given a nutrition drink is if he or she prescribed it by the doctor and only if the patient has cancer.

Excuse me? So when the doctor told me that I should eat ice cream for the next few weeks, I gave her a quizzical look. First of all, I have to wait two weeks to receive a letter in the snail mail after a central system has filed my case and found the next opening at pretty much any hospital. Specialist are only found in hospitals here.

Secondly, ice cream is not sufficient nutrients for two weeks, unless there’s some sort of magical ice cream that I am unaware of. The doctor then suggested that I make my own nutrition drink and continued explaining that she’s not recommending I put fruit juices in my drink since that will (likely) aggravate my symptoms. I chimed in, “can I put in banana and avocado”? It was at that moment I realized I know more about nutrition than she does and figured out how to end the session quickly.

There’s a word in Danish the doctor used for my symptoms.. it might be trang or traeg, except I don’t know for certain. It’s nice there’s a word to describe something that’s more than a big nuisance or inconvenience.

Last night I purchased bananas, avocados, and ice cream and made a somewhat delicious drink. However, this morning I could not make the same as my host family must have been somewhat keen on my banana purchase and unknowingly consumed part of my next meal. I can’t be too mad considering I didn’t actually mention that I need those and they are just about the most awesome people if not the most awesome that I have ever come across, so sure let them have the yellow fruit not often found in the home :).

Trying to recreate parts of the drink this morning, I had an under-ripened avocado and only the ice cream. The task to make a mush mixture did not pan out as I had hoped. There were pieces of avocado left after blending the two substances for many times. And in my efforts, I figured, I might as well try the drink considering the pieces were miniscule and I had put a lot of time and effort into this. Upon first attempt, the pieces got caught in the back of my throat and I began “choking” as I do multiple times in a week now. Usually, I can propel the foods up or down depending on the occasion so I do not consider this “true” choking.

Now, I have a dilemma. Knowing I already have many eating disorders, this seems to be creating a new one-complete aversion to solid foods. I can’t even consider taking in anything that’s not pureed or baby food consistency. Even on liquids, I’ve choked. This situation is challenging, and I hope this will not become more of a burden than it already is. Gotta keep looking at the positives, like the fact I don’t have to be tubed.

Summing up, this quote which I suppose is supposed to help people overcome their eating disorders is in fact not helpful for all sorts of disordered eating. And yes, there is a major difference between the two as one is a full blown condition whereas the other is meant to explain a pattern of eating that is not always regular.

This current pattern of mine feels extremely disordered except it also feels like I don’t have utmost control over this physical manifestation. Grrr….


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