Archive for the ‘Freedom’ Category

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Starting out three months too soon,

He didn’t make it.

My twin was too little,

I took the nutrition,

This you’ll hear, is my rendition.

Left alone, parents aside.

Only touched out of necessity,

Rarely for love comfort,each time much brevity.

Fed through my head because I couldn’t feed.

A little weird, I think, because apparently I managed my needs:

In the womb, next to my brother,

The moment we’re out I don’t get another

Moment near him as they swooped him away,

Or fell into the bucket, there’s none who will say.

None who can or will tell me the truth as I stare off into space,

Appearing aloof.

Bitterness abounds as my family breaks apart.

It was at my birth, at my start.

Sure there were problems and problems before,

I can’t help but think I added to the stress more.

Regardless, I was an innocent life,

Quite fragile, delicate, and constantly under the knife.

They thought I was stupid, young, naive.

I knew what was going on, always protecting my reality,

Not wanting to believe,

That my parents couldn’t love me,

That they constantly grieve,

The three children they had

1 dead

1 dying

and the last, keeps trying.

That’s me, the last, a bundle of unknowns,

I stepped away to grow up on my own.

From a very young age I never connected,

They blamed birth, the brain bleed, always something indirect.

They never stepped up, they never confessed,

That all this, all this came from distress.

If they were dead, this life might make sense.

At the very least, I would have evidence, and my world not as dense.

I despise them, I pity them,

For parents they are not.

I used to want to leave, ran away a lot.

No one helped me as I sat in despair.

I was the crazy one, life perfectly unfair.

I was judged, ridiculed, abused all the time,

When I asked for help and spoke the truth, it was as if I did the crime.

I didn’t, I was just a little kid,

Shouldn’t have to take care of myself,

Yet I did.

This pattern created a grown up too soon,

From the age of 6 I was off, zoom zoom.

I began to rebel, only from them,

I began to stay away, always sent to my room.

The monster within me wouldn’t leave,

As I destroyed my things, myself, all in a vain attempt to grieve.

For not having a mommy to cuddle with when I was upset,

Not having a daddy as he was filled with his own, deep-seated regret.

I did have Barbara, emotionally and completely destroyed.

I did have Ken, an unstable adult child, who I sometimes enjoyed.

Then there’s Michael, who never really liked me,

He noted this before and to the police I was crazy,

And last from my childhood was Judi, far from a lady.

I yearned to connect, to please have a family,

No, not for me,

That would be uncanny.

As my world unraveled, I followed suit,

How did I not die on this treacherous pursuit?

I was done, ready to die,

What kind of life is this, all alone, with no one nearby.

Somehow I’ve lived, they call it fortuitous,

They call it a miracle, they call it bliss.

I don’t know what to say,

I just don’t want to struggle, through this, day after day.

I want to live, to stay alive,

Yet there’s uncertainty and death has been near,

The angels called for me, and I was like a deer,

Caught in the headlights, unsure how to proceed,

As the angels waited nearby,

Would I concede?

I didn’t go, not wanting to die alone,

But I was ready, done with the drone,

Of being sick, unloved and unwanted,

The only hope I had left, slowly dissipating,

My life was on the edge as I was done fighting,

Too scared to die, too tired to live,

I drifted through the night, unable to give.

I woke in the morning, rather confused,

The medicine finally worked, I didn’t lose.

I was alive, albeit tired, weak and meek,

Wanting to finish school, week after week.

I loved where I lived, not wanting to leave,

Yet I had to, this time,

If I wanted to breathe.

Life is breath,

Breath is life,

I must remember this pattern to be rid of the strife.

I’m alive now, I’m writing this down,

Missing Denmark, my twin, and my upside-down frown.

I was happy there, though I was sick.

I had friends, ones I could pick.

I’m lost here, where I don’t belong,

I’ve nothing here, not even a mom.

I have me, only me, someone I despise,

Who stole from a baby, ripped apart a family,

All by being alive.

 

 

 

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Please note, I am combining two blogs. If you are following The Mental Health System; Friend, Foe, or Folly? (link- http://lockedupandinstitutionalized.wordpress.com) please continue following my thoughts at:

 

https://iwishiwaslying.wordpress.com

Thanks for your support! 

The final product may take a few days, thanks for your patience 🙂

 

 

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You need to to be made over America.

Let’s talk about and to the Executive Branch in America:

You probably think you’re hot shit, running the show, making decisions that obliterating people’s lives. Admit it.

To the Department of the Treasury, the IRS:

I hate you. A very simple mistake, gone horribly awry. First, you fuck up my address, creating a major delay in my obtaining financial aid and now I have to wait. I have to wait so long that by the time business gets completed, financial aid will probably be gone from my institution. I have to wait for hours coming in to an office, wasting gas money and time for something that is a very simple fix to a simple error on YOUR part. I wait for you to look up if you have my address inputted into your system properly. I’m told that if after I find out whether or not my address is correct, I may continue to wait 8-10 weeks to receive the proper forms for my school. Fuck you IRS, fuck you Uncle Sam.

I am over America. I am not at all proud to say I’m American. I am constantly screwed over by the system because I am American, because I live in a fucked up American system.

This country is too large to cater to the needs of most, never mind all residents.

Department of Defense:
Tell me how we can spend millions of dollars on a covert operation for one individual while many individuals remain in debt up to our knees. Tell me how someone who is willing to represent the country one lives in only to be shunned and constantly turned away from serving. Only in America does the military seek near-perfect humans for entry, without defects.

Department of Human Health and Services:
Yeah, I’m jealous at veterans who went in with a decent life and got injured and now receive services. You know why? Because I will never receive appropriate services for a problem I’ve had since birth, something that was not a choice something that was entirely out of my control. Fuck you America. I hate you. I will never be proud to say I’m America , I’m not terribly grateful to be one either considering services non Americans or illegals receive are often exceptional to what I labor for to receive those services. This consists of practically selling an arm and leg, selling most of my belongings, seeing my savings disappear, never getting ahead in life and stressing daily purely because of health care costs and job instability.

Department of Labor:
Fuck you for not allowing those who have more productivity to excel in life. I guarantee you my work ethic far surpasses some hodge-podge asshole sitting in the penthouse office space making life-impacting decisions for someone else’s life. I guarantee you that I can succeed if you give me the chance. You continuously prove that you can’t and you won’t.

America you suck, I wish you would die and become a way better country. What happened to promises to my ancestors for a better life, roads paved with gold, a chance to prosper after extreme sacrifices are made? That place doesn’t exist. I wish you’d disappear and become a way better country.

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Wow, I’ve never had someone believe so much in the capacity of my brain and my possibilities than my current biology professor.

When meeting with her for a routine matter (figuring out how to better equip myself for exams), she made comments like, “I’ve never had to tell any student this before, but for you, you have to memorize.” Apparently, that’s the part that comes easily to people as opposed to grasping the bigger picture and making connections. She said, “if somehow we could harness your brain and what it does… Your brain is unique”.

I went on to tell her a basic version of my struggles with Cerebral Palsy and how I wasn’t set to do anything in life.

She was just short of astonished, saying she never would have guessed.
She really, truly believes in me, and tells me this without any sort of prompting on my end.

Festival of Colors Ad

 

Today I am attending the festival of colors. I am going because it is for a school assignment, however this is a day I can hopefully redirect my focus and my energies into a positive entity. Today, I vow to myself that I will make a huge effort to be positive, which will hopefully result in facilitating and stirring any kind of happiness within. Pictures to come!

Group Yoga:

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I’ve got to take advantage of this, it’s like a blue moon. Every so often, I’m lucky enough to have an actual day off. My work allows one day off per week. I have this, what I don’t have is luxury. The luxury to sit around, do nothing, or do everything. Usually my day off includes at least one doctor appointment.

I moved over one thousand miles about seven months ago, not a huge move, considering I’ve moved over 30 times.

Hint 1: I have no affiliation with the military.

Hint 2: My parents didn’t have jobs that required moving a lot.

Hint 3: Most of my moves occurred after I was no longer a minor (seven years, over 15 moves) and more “control” over my life. You do the math.

The day before I moved to my current location, I was at a doctor’s appointment (surprise, surprise). The doctor told me I may have cancer. Here’s a snapshot of the conversation. I had that day been referred to this doctor via emergency referral from another doctor.

Dr worryman: “I think you may have cancer.”

Me: “Is it able to be treated where I’m moving to?”

Dr worryman: “Yes, but I really think you ought to delay the start of your job.” (imagine surprised look on his face when I saw this NOT as a death sentence).

My brain: “Yeah right, I finally have a full-time permanent job, and this dude wants me to risk it because I might have cancer?”

Me: “No, not going to happen, they’re expecting me tomorrow, they bought my plane ticket, I’ll deal with it down there.”

Dr worryman: “Ok, but make sure you have a biopsy done in less than one month.”

Turns out the doctor’s concern was not entirely necessary. I (at the moment) don’t have cancer. Various specialists saw me, blood work done at least one dozen times, results essentially negative for a new finding.

The problem that hasn’t been solved is why I still (over one year at this point) don’t have a fully functioning voice. I’m being gentile here. I’ve had a hoarse voice for most parts of the last year. I can’t project, can’t sing any high notes, and when I went to a speech therapist, she laughed as I screeched during an exercise she gave me to practice.

My vocal cords are paralyzed. Why? I have no clue, and neither do people who’ve gone to medical school and been in practice for three decades. Usually people who are of an older age or ones who’ve endured strokes have a similar condition to mine, but over half a dozen doctors in nearly half a dozen specialties have no clue as to why I can barely talk.

Speculations, speculations, no one knows. I’m not sure if anyone cares as long as I’m breathing. I was diagnosed with walking pneumonia when I first moved, then acute bronchitis the other month, yet I don’t have any official breathing difficulties. This makes for an interesting case to some doctors, others just let me live with what I have after their few recommendations haven’t worked.

Remember, even if a person can’t express his or herself verbally, a brain still resides in his/her skull. It will take patience on both ends, but in the end, we all have at least one “X” chromosome… We’re all human.