Archive for the ‘Nutrition’ Category

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Starting out three months too soon,

He didn’t make it.

My twin was too little,

I took the nutrition,

This you’ll hear, is my rendition.

Left alone, parents aside.

Only touched out of necessity,

Rarely for love comfort,each time much brevity.

Fed through my head because I couldn’t feed.

A little weird, I think, because apparently I managed my needs:

In the womb, next to my brother,

The moment we’re out I don’t get another

Moment near him as they swooped him away,

Or fell into the bucket, there’s none who will say.

None who can or will tell me the truth as I stare off into space,

Appearing aloof.

Bitterness abounds as my family breaks apart.

It was at my birth, at my start.

Sure there were problems and problems before,

I can’t help but think I added to the stress more.

Regardless, I was an innocent life,

Quite fragile, delicate, and constantly under the knife.

They thought I was stupid, young, naive.

I knew what was going on, always protecting my reality,

Not wanting to believe,

That my parents couldn’t love me,

That they constantly grieve,

The three children they had

1 dead

1 dying

and the last, keeps trying.

That’s me, the last, a bundle of unknowns,

I stepped away to grow up on my own.

From a very young age I never connected,

They blamed birth, the brain bleed, always something indirect.

They never stepped up, they never confessed,

That all this, all this came from distress.

If they were dead, this life might make sense.

At the very least, I would have evidence, and my world not as dense.

I despise them, I pity them,

For parents they are not.

I used to want to leave, ran away a lot.

No one helped me as I sat in despair.

I was the crazy one, life perfectly unfair.

I was judged, ridiculed, abused all the time,

When I asked for help and spoke the truth, it was as if I did the crime.

I didn’t, I was just a little kid,

Shouldn’t have to take care of myself,

Yet I did.

This pattern created a grown up too soon,

From the age of 6 I was off, zoom zoom.

I began to rebel, only from them,

I began to stay away, always sent to my room.

The monster within me wouldn’t leave,

As I destroyed my things, myself, all in a vain attempt to grieve.

For not having a mommy to cuddle with when I was upset,

Not having a daddy as he was filled with his own, deep-seated regret.

I did have Barbara, emotionally and completely destroyed.

I did have Ken, an unstable adult child, who I sometimes enjoyed.

Then there’s Michael, who never really liked me,

He noted this before and to the police I was crazy,

And last from my childhood was Judi, far from a lady.

I yearned to connect, to please have a family,

No, not for me,

That would be uncanny.

As my world unraveled, I followed suit,

How did I not die on this treacherous pursuit?

I was done, ready to die,

What kind of life is this, all alone, with no one nearby.

Somehow I’ve lived, they call it fortuitous,

They call it a miracle, they call it bliss.

I don’t know what to say,

I just don’t want to struggle, through this, day after day.

I want to live, to stay alive,

Yet there’s uncertainty and death has been near,

The angels called for me, and I was like a deer,

Caught in the headlights, unsure how to proceed,

As the angels waited nearby,

Would I concede?

I didn’t go, not wanting to die alone,

But I was ready, done with the drone,

Of being sick, unloved and unwanted,

The only hope I had left, slowly dissipating,

My life was on the edge as I was done fighting,

Too scared to die, too tired to live,

I drifted through the night, unable to give.

I woke in the morning, rather confused,

The medicine finally worked, I didn’t lose.

I was alive, albeit tired, weak and meek,

Wanting to finish school, week after week.

I loved where I lived, not wanting to leave,

Yet I had to, this time,

If I wanted to breathe.

Life is breath,

Breath is life,

I must remember this pattern to be rid of the strife.

I’m alive now, I’m writing this down,

Missing Denmark, my twin, and my upside-down frown.

I was happy there, though I was sick.

I had friends, ones I could pick.

I’m lost here, where I don’t belong,

I’ve nothing here, not even a mom.

I have me, only me, someone I despise,

Who stole from a baby, ripped apart a family,

All by being alive.

 

 

 

I walk around at slightly faster than a snail’s pace, in pain. Emotional? Maybe. Physical? Definitely. This tube feels like an extra appendage, a foreign object I don’t really desire.

I know this tube keeps me out of hospital-sometimes I wonder if the hospital makes me sicker. I knew the site was problematic, only hours after insertion.

The amount of pain I was in, and tenderness all around the area. I went to something similar to an urgent care yesterday, infection confirmed. The person who saw me wanted to send me to hospital. No way, I can’t go back and risk losing my sanity. So I refused asking if I could try antibiotics at home. I don’t have a fever, and if I do get one, I’d probably go to some hospital.

I was prescribed an antibiotic and anti microbial wash. The dilemma I have is that I tend to become sicker (in all types of hospitals for some reason). I think that if I were to go back, not only am I mentally depleted, I think I would only get physically sicker.

Most likely, it was in hospital I developed sepsis. Last time I was in, the person next to me died. I’m just fed up with medicine and how I know more than the doctors and staff who “take care” of me here. They don’t know what they’re doing and it lands me in a super awkward position. If I had supplies and a pharmacy at my disposal, there’d be no need to enter a hospital. I hate that they are mostly clueless and often careless.

I also don’t know if they over hospitalize here or if I am sick enough to re-admit. The most swollen part is an 8cm area from one of the fasteners. At the moment since it appears localized, I don’t want to risk my sanity and health to readmit.

Disorders:

Is this quote actually supposed to help me???

If I didn’t already have an eating disorder, what is occurring now would undoubtedly propagate one. Currently, the esophageal spasms I’m having (Jackhammer esophagus/hyper-contractile esophagus) prohibit me from in-taking any solid foods. At the doctor’s office yesterday, I learned the intricacies of the health care system a bit more. Apparently, the reason I haven’t been able to find nutrition drinks such as Boost or Ensure or the equivalent is because they don’t exist here. Yeah, that’s right, you read correctly. The only time a patient is given a nutrition drink is if he or she prescribed it by the doctor and only if the patient has cancer.

Excuse me? So when the doctor told me that I should eat ice cream for the next few weeks, I gave her a quizzical look. First of all, I have to wait two weeks to receive a letter in the snail mail after a central system has filed my case and found the next opening at pretty much any hospital. Specialist are only found in hospitals here.

Secondly, ice cream is not sufficient nutrients for two weeks, unless there’s some sort of magical ice cream that I am unaware of. The doctor then suggested that I make my own nutrition drink and continued explaining that she’s not recommending I put fruit juices in my drink since that will (likely) aggravate my symptoms. I chimed in, “can I put in banana and avocado”? It was at that moment I realized I know more about nutrition than she does and figured out how to end the session quickly.

There’s a word in Danish the doctor used for my symptoms.. it might be trang or traeg, except I don’t know for certain. It’s nice there’s a word to describe something that’s more than a big nuisance or inconvenience.

Last night I purchased bananas, avocados, and ice cream and made a somewhat delicious drink. However, this morning I could not make the same as my host family must have been somewhat keen on my banana purchase and unknowingly consumed part of my next meal. I can’t be too mad considering I didn’t actually mention that I need those and they are just about the most awesome people if not the most awesome that I have ever come across, so sure let them have the yellow fruit not often found in the home :).

Trying to recreate parts of the drink this morning, I had an under-ripened avocado and only the ice cream. The task to make a mush mixture did not pan out as I had hoped. There were pieces of avocado left after blending the two substances for many times. And in my efforts, I figured, I might as well try the drink considering the pieces were miniscule and I had put a lot of time and effort into this. Upon first attempt, the pieces got caught in the back of my throat and I began “choking” as I do multiple times in a week now. Usually, I can propel the foods up or down depending on the occasion so I do not consider this “true” choking.

Now, I have a dilemma. Knowing I already have many eating disorders, this seems to be creating a new one-complete aversion to solid foods. I can’t even consider taking in anything that’s not pureed or baby food consistency. Even on liquids, I’ve choked. This situation is challenging, and I hope this will not become more of a burden than it already is. Gotta keep looking at the positives, like the fact I don’t have to be tubed.

Summing up, this quote which I suppose is supposed to help people overcome their eating disorders is in fact not helpful for all sorts of disordered eating. And yes, there is a major difference between the two as one is a full blown condition whereas the other is meant to explain a pattern of eating that is not always regular.

This current pattern of mine feels extremely disordered except it also feels like I don’t have utmost control over this physical manifestation. Grrr….

“And now I’ve got to explain the smell that was in there before I went in there. Does that ever happen to you? It’s not your fault. You’ve held your breath, you just wanna get out, and now you open the door and you have to explain, ‘Oh! Listen, there’s an odor in there and I didn’t do it. It’s bad.”
Ellen DeGeneres, My Point…And I Do Have One

A simple task, at least physically. No no it’s not about relieving oneself. I went to the store yesterday to buy food. Emotionally this gets to me, because anything surrounding food is triggering for me. Physically, going through the motions of buying the food, well that’s ok.

After longer than I anticipated, perhaps one hour, I finally made it to the checkout. I pay for my food with EBT (electronic benefit transfer/food stamps). It hasn’t always been this way. Ever since I lost my entire savings paying for health-related matters, I qualify for food stamps. A year ago at this time I wouldn’t have been eligible.

Needless to say, it’s embarrassing. Once the bright yellow card is whipped out of my wallet, I feel like the cashier and those in line look at me differently. I feel as though I can’t even take my phone out at the checkout because people will judge me for having a smartphone. Little do they know that I bought this at a huge discount and that my phone bill is also massively discounted.

I feel bad if I get snack foods. I’ve read peoples’ opinions on those receiving EBT. They firmly believe that it should be used only for healthy foods and they think to themselves “damn MY hard-earned money is going to pay for this b#tch’s snack attack”.

Let me make it very clear that not everyone who has food stamps is unemployed and being “unproductive” in life. I work two-three jobs at a given time and attend school. My earned income has gone likely to my own EBT card (in the scheme of it all).I still fall below the poverty line. I am not sitting at home, munching away on non-nutritious items. Still, I feel judged in the line.

Yesterday was no exception. I made it to the front of the line and was swiping my card to pay. Mind you, the majority of items I bought were healthy. I do appreciate that certain snacks are vegan, and I essentially had a craving for Oreos (>99% vegan) and Skittles (100% vegan).While paying, not all of my items were valid. I asked the cashier to please let me know which items didn’t qualify as I wasn’t able to pinpoint them. She was not the best at math (I blame calculators), and kept saying it was items that didn’t actually add up to the leftover amount. Eventually, she summoned a manager and suddenly, three store employees were working to figure out this freaking simple task. I don’t know why it is as problematic as this. I’ve had cashiers at this store in the past be able to let me know immediately which items don’t ring through for EBT purposes.

People started to get antsy in line, completely understandable. They were agitated and annoyed. I felt bad because it’s always made known when someone has EBT. Certain items qualify, (sometimes even at different stores, eligibility differs-go figure) and certain items don’t qualify. There is often no logic to the method. I thought by now I had figured out the system considering I’ve made at least 20 trips to the store since receiving EBT. The five or so people who were behind me removed their items from the belt and brought their carts to another checkout. With the efflux of customers, some customers thought this was their chance to come to a checkout with a small line. To the first person who arrived I said, “You might want to go to another line, this could be a while; all the other people here brought their items to another line. He replied, “Oh did they?” and kindly moved on. I couldn’t bring myself to say it to the next person and I didn’t.

Needless to say, by this point, the highest manager started also doing improper math, and then determined matter-of-factly that it was Oreos and Skittles that didn’t fit the bill so I asked her to remove them from the bag. I was through with this public ordeal and still didn’t feel right with the calculations. I took my receipt and items with me outside, sat down on a bench and did calculations. Oreos were still listed on my receipt, skittles weren’t. Stuff just didn’t add up. I went back in, regained my composure and asked the cashier to see the manager again.

The manager directed me to the customer service area and cancelled my receipt. A  new cashier rang my order through. It was at this point it was determined that there was still a discrepancy in the bill. The manager may have been accurate in taking out the Skittles earlier, but not the Oreos. The new flavor of Triscuits, a red savory bean flavor made with brown rice was the culprit. Triscuits, people! Healthy crackers. Boy do I despise the brains of humanity at times.

You know why this sucks? It’s dormant, one day I think I’m good, enjoyed one day, and the next day, out of nowhere it attacks It messes with my mind, at least dysthymic depressed people can expect, can predict that the day likely won’t be grat if their depression is untreated.

Meds. don’t help for me, they actually make things worse. It’s called Bipolar Type 3 which is NOT bipolar, but the DSM has no way to classify as of now. Essentially, it’s that antidepressants actually make things worse, actually having an adverse or no effect from taking them. Psych. meds. are the only meds. that have no long-term evidence of efficacy, and psychiatry is the only doctor-directed field that exists nowadays.

Consistency form day to today is taken for granted by most people. I would love to know that when I feel good, it will last. I understand that it can’t be permanent, I just wish more “good” days or even times existed.

My analogy for situational depression:it’s like prey sneaking up on you in the savannahs picture Simba in Lion King when he was learning to hunt.

A friend’s analogy for this disorder; it’s like a python wrapping around you, until you have no breath to live and cease to exist. Fitting, particularly when intertwined with an eating disorder.

I was thinking about how things have become quite impersonal. Often, texting is seen as impersonal, conversations are done electronically and the value of human contact has disappeared.

Texting

With the disease my brother has, texting or e-mail is all we have. He hasn’t learned enough sign language to communicate through a medium such as Skype. Most likely, his hearing will only decline. He’s about 90% deaf. 50% can not be restored, at least with the medical advancements that currently exist. You can’t fix auditory nerves that were ruined when removing a tumor. Because of NF2, the impersonal nature of texting has to exist because I can’t talk to my brother in another way.

I mentioned to him that specific vegetarian and vegan diets has been shown to slow tumor progression. He thanked me, he had no clue. Seriously? Health 101 people. Interesting and surprising that Barbara never mentioned to him that diet was an option, as she seeks out any sort of treatment for his disease day after day. When I told K that he’s super skinny, and that this has been attributed to the disease, K said, “or not” (referring to the possibility of an eating disorder). Hmmm. See this is why doctors ought to practice comprehensively. This is why I’ll become a doctor an provide what I believe to be the best possible route for the patients.

Ironic as all else that we both have not only neurological disorders,  but central nervous system ones at that. And Barbara (contributing to 1/2 of our chromosomes wanted to be a neurophysiologist since the age of 9 and didn’t pursue that path.

It’s my birthday today, and apparently calls are just considered an inconvenience. It’s days like this I’m reminded that I really don’t have a family willing to take time to appreciate me. Honestly, it’s just an arbitrary day that is indicative of our place in the universe at one moment which can be represented by a calendar day every 365.25 days. Wordy, yes. I don’t mind.

I kind of wish I were back in elementary school, bringing cupcakes for the class, when even if the world was crumbling around me, at least one day existed where I was the focus of people’s attention, and for one day, I mattered.

 

 


I can’t say why I feel how I do, completely disconnected, completely detached…

Surprisingly, nothing terribly significant has occurred lately. I briefly mentioned recently that the study abroad committee overturned their decision and are allowing me to pursue studies abroad this Fall in Denmark.

A health care panel which I organized without being asked to is taking place next week. My favorite doctor is attending and speaking at this, I have no excitement.

When talking with my advisor about my course selection and other opportunities this Fall she said if I could afford to do so, I should stay to visit medical schools abroad.

My response-,“I’ll talk with my banker.”

She gave me a puzzled look and then I said, “Oh yeah, my dad”.

She was like “Yeah I was thinking, dang, I wish I had a banker.”

I replied, “You have a dad though right?”

She nodded her head.

Before thinking, I replied, “…and he loves you right? He gives you emotional love.”

She nods, smirking a little (not in a sarcastic way) “Yes, he gives me emotional love, no money though.

So my life security pot is intermittently filled with monetary love and hers is emotional love.

We win some, we lose some. It’s really perspective and framing it into context. I would love to have a parent I could go to for any type of emotional support. That does not exist. I can’t even talk with my brother, for one because he’s hard of hearing, only getting worse. For two, he doesn’t consider me a part of the family.

Passover has officially concluded and I figured with my extremely limited vegan diet, the change to non-Passover food wouldn’t be drastic. Yeah, I was wrong, and I completely lose control anytime I’m around any type of vegan food. You want to tell me that this has nothing to do with being horribly neglected as a young child, unsure of when my next food would be? I go into survival mode with food and then absolutely regret it. All of my hard work down the drain. Yes, there can be fat vegans and I am an example of one of those. Granted, I’ve just begun the lifestyle, however I just keep stuffing my face over the past few days. And I’m not ok with that. I’m not ok with the numbers on the scale or the total loss of control. So, I did what makes the most sense to me, something I regret far less than overindulgence; the word starts with an “l” and ends with an “e”. It’s one of the tags to this post if you still can’t get it.

I have constant word recall challenges. I’m not depressed. I’m distant, disconnected, numb. Another way this disconnect is apparent is by my absolute lack of consideration for myself in terms of divulging anything relatively pertinent to a conversation. I’ve told many people multiple aspects of my life I’d usually keep to myself.

I was reading that this could be attributed to narcoleptic symptoms, a problem deciphering reality from dream. Well, I do think I know where that differentiation occurs, and yet I still don’t feel right. I don’t consider myself a danger to myself of others, just lack emotions of any sort.

I’m estranged from all the world, myself included.

Our bodies really are equipped to deal with hibernation or consumption of minimal nutrients over time. Think about it like this: When we decrease our intake, our bodies go into storage mode. Even if YOU know that you’re going to have food at your disposal, your brain doesn’t, which in turn triggers a hibernation-like response to store food in the fat cells.

I worked at a well-known weight loss camp last summer. One take home tip I received was this example. Someone who’s already been overweight and is not within normal range compared to someone who hasn’t been overweight can eat the same food, say three slices of pizza. The person who has never been out of normal weight range will likely be ok with one slice. However, the individual who has been overweight (even if it’s in the past) has a greater chance to gain weight from this consumption. Unfortunately, fat cells are the one cell we know of thus far that never die, they merely shrink. The individual who has been overweight may have lost fat yes, but they never lost the fat cells.

Here’s a pretty excellent video to describe what I’m saying if you prefer an audio-visual method: (yeah, the title’s a bit extreme, try to override your urge to pass up on it based on the html)

http://www.youtube.com/user/insanehomefatloss?v=1ZaZniN-cpE#aid=P7cGGyyA-ig

I keep noticing that with my restricted consumption, though I initially lost a lot of weight quickly, albeit water weight, the pounds aren’t shedding like one may anticipate. Makes sense though. How can I mess with nature and a protective mechanism that has been in place to delay extinction of our species? I can’t.