Please Stop Giving Up and Start Believing in me

I feel nauseous to the core. I can’t stop shivering though moment ago I woke from my sleep thirsty and overheated.

Since being abroad, I haven’t heard back from my therapist. This is not the same therapist I wrote about in posts from March, this is one I began with over the summer when I was at a center for the treatment of eating disorders. This therapist specializes in trauma.
I decided to e-mail her again to figure out options for if I return in December. She did actually e-mail me back this time and said that if I go back to the center, she doesn’t think she should be my therapist since I was storming out of groups and things were shaky between us.

I wrote back saying that those were unrelated to her being my therapist and that I do think she’d be helpful, particularly because she has a speciality in trauma that the rest there don’t. I also brought up one of our last sessions where I said to her that I felt like she wouldn’t be my therapist if I returned and how she assured me she would be.

I don’t get why therapists and other doctors constantly give up on me and it’s disconcerting to say the least. I don’t want to constantly start over with someone. If it wasn’t for some doctors actually having faith that I have a shot at life (really since birth), I wouldn’t be here.

I don’t want to constantly be rejected/not helped by therapists and to date that is exactly what’s happened with all of them. I don’t think I’m really that hard to understand if people actually take the time.

I thought therapy was the one place a client can be open about their lives. Seems like the more open I become, the more overwhelmed the therapist becomes. I’m at a point I sincerely believe I should just not go to therapy anymore since they seem to not be able to handle me. I’m protecting the therapists, keeping my darkness within. If the only explanation for this pain is that my pain means less pain will be distributed amongst the world, then fine, I’ll take it. That will be the only reason because I am so unbelievably sick of rejection and misunderstandings.

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