Posts Tagged ‘ADHD’

Today, I was confronted by someone I am living with who was upset over me having fruit in a plastic bag out. She began to recollect everything I am doing or rather have done that differs from other people in the house. She continuously repeated in a harsh and violent tone, “You’re not special”. I began to space out as she began to become monstrous as I do not care to hear from people that have nothing unintelligible to say.

Further, I began to think about why she continued to say this to me and what message she was attempting to convey. This is when it occurred to me; though I do not perceive myself as special, I do have special needs. There is a distinct difference. For me, those difference present themselves in the following ways:

  • I need more space in kitchen cabinets because the items I need for my motility disorder take up lots of space, and are very expensive. However, if the items are bought in bulk, the price is often quite lower. So, at the moment, I have many items from bulk shipments.
  • I take more time getting ready, and have to wake up earlier.
  • connecting this to an earlier post, I often am allowed additional baggage to lug aboard a plane. I don’t feel particularly special and rather isolated when I have to spend an additional 30 minutes to one hour waiting in airport security lugging a piece of baggage that is generally quite heavy, full of liquids because I can’t walk into a convenience or grocery store whenever I’m feeling hungry to be satiated. These items are not carried in your everyday store.
  • I have to be very wary that the food I grind is pureed to be of a particular consistency so I can swallow easier. Preparing food to this standard takes at least two to three times as long as an average meal preparation.
  • I have to drink out of a very particular cup with a straw, and these cups are generally made for people aged 1-3 years old. Oh how I love carrying around a cup that is targeted to this age group. If I want to be identified, a bright green cup is sure the way to go. I hate this fact, and often don’t consume any liquids while I am in public view to ward off any chastising before it starts.
  • When I go places with friends, it isn’t uncommon for me to be left behind so they can do what they need to do in a set time frame-I walk too slowly for them. Once this occurs in a friendship, aside from a truly valid reason, I often do not consider most of these individuals friends thereafter.

Someone who is special tends to believe that others should conform to his or her own standards and often exhibits a sense of entitlement. Upon deviance from this standard, a monstrous attitude is generally displayed by the special individual. If one accepts this definition to be generally accurate, I believe I was the product of the good old defense mechanism of projection hours ago; this person’s hostility towards me is because she believes she deserves the same treatment as me. You know what? If I had the ability to generate Cerebral Palsy, an unknown motility disorder, narcolepsy, ADHD, bilateral exotropia, and a slew of other conditions upon her for one day, I’d be confounded if she didn’t request to have a few additional accommodations made for her in housing.

However, since I do not have that power (yet), and I would not knowingly cast sickness to someone else, I hereby declare that the world exudes greater understanding and empathy towards special needs, rather than look upon it as an unthinkable act, and admonishing circumstance.

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The larynx is responsible for the voice which is located in a region most people would consider the throat. So I guess technically, this wasn’t my throat, yet this was the first word that popped into my mind tonight as I was speaking with my Somatic Experiencing Therapist. She asked for sensations that arose when I made contact with my throat and instead of sensations, I gave her words. After all, that was the first thing that came into my mind.

Tonight however, my “throat” and me were two separate entities for lack of a more accurate depiction. My throat spoke to me and I spoke back.

Lately, I’ve been having problems with my esophageal spasms (Jackhammer Esophageal type). If I didn’t already have an eating disorder, this would be a great way to propagate one. I can see now that it stems back from long before I was able to form memories. for this time period, all I have to reference are medical charts from my home for the first two months of life, A.K.A., the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit at New York Hospital.

I read in the charts that there were times when at the doctor’s direction, feedings were discontinued for me, sometimes for more than one day.

This leads me to believe that this is where I learned a pattern, namely the pattern of defeat and then to reset/rebound/get back to baseline again. I was going to be all corny and write, “get back on my feet, no pun intended”, but then there would be a pun, and oh look I did that anyway.

It’s a matter of resilience and what people do when confronted with a difficult situation. And it’s true, you never really know how you’ll react or cope until something comes your way. For me, the pattern seems to be that even at the worst of times, when negative circumstances arise, I tend to have a decent ability to sit in my shit, and then come out from it stronger in the end.

For an excellent understanding of resilience, if you enjoy TED talks, check out Brene Brown and resiliency. I don’t know how to make the fancy accents on the 2nd “e” in her name, but I’m sure it’ll pop up… or click here for easy access:

However, this is not a pattern I want to continue. I don’t like that a negative circumstance is what I need to live positively and more strongly if you will. I want to have a fighting spirit without the constant reminders in the form of some traumatic or challenging situation.

Back to the topic at hand-conversations with my throat. I had my hand placed on my throat during this conversation:

Throat (imagine a person slumped over in a chair, this is how my throat is acting, not literally, just defeated): Why should I work now? You’ve neglected me for so long.

Me: Yeah, but it was hard-wired for me to do so from a very young age. No one took care of me, they ignored me. It became a pattern, habitual

Throat: Yeah, but what about now, now you have control.

Me: I know I do, I can’t describe it better than I was hardwired to not feed myself.

Somatic therapist interjects: I prefer to think of it as “conditioned”. You were conditioned to do this, not something that can’t be changed.

Me: Oh yeah, sorry, forgot that word. Hard when learning a new language to remember words in other languages (I’m learning Danish). Then I relayed this information to my throat.

Throat: (scoffs)

Me: I’m not really sure what more to tell it, because it has a point.

Therapist: try just sensing it.

Me: Ok.

Throat: You know, you abused me, you treated me badly.

Me: What? I may have an eating disorder, but I never have purged. How could I have treated you badly?

Throat: You may have not purged, but c’mon, I’m connected to your whole body.

Therapist: You know your throat has a point, do you agree?

Me: Oh yeah, absolutely (not sarcasm).

Therapist: So can you sense anything changing in your throat?

Me: I reached for my drink to test.

Therapist: No I want you to just feel it.

Me: A sudden burst of energy-Upon doing this, my feet began bouncing up and down nonstop for minutes, I probably would have run a mile if I were standing considering the speed and duration of my movement.

(Many minutes later)

Throat: I need (therapist). She’s got skills.

Therapist (chuckles): Lots of people have skills. You just need a person.

Me: Yeah, but my throat knows that you can help it.

Therapist: How does it know that?

Me: Because you helped other parts in the past and my throat was witness to that. Like remember the time we had a session and you said normally you don’t go that fast with your clients but my body was in crisis? First, you put your hands on my kidneys and then you moved to my left side and said there was a lot of heat in my stomach region. Then, it was kind of like a volcano after some time and began spewing out (the negative energy). Then you moved to my neck and the upper part of my chest, but you didn’t get to my throat that day. My throat felt neglected, forgotten.

My throat became more neutral, which was better than the initial distant teenager feeling it first emoted. Hoping that I can learn to listen to my body and we can work together more often than constantly fight with one another (physical symptoms manifesting as a way to express that something’s not ok).

Today was a rough day. I went to the sleep doctor after waiting five weeks for the appointment, thank you Socialist medicine in a democratic nation= um 1+1 does not equal 2.

I was stressed arriving at the appointment as I had given myself what I thought to be plenty of time, silly me and forgetting about LA traffic.

Some would consider my driving wreck-less; one individual even called me an idiot as I made a bad ass move. There is a distinct difference between close calls because you’re an awesome driver who has driven all sorts of vehicles including ambulances and just being a shitty, careless driver.

At the appointment, the doctor continued to inform me that he is baffled about my case. The doctor provided me with a special device (actigraph) to wear all the time for the next two weeks to track my circadian rhythm.

He spoke to my individual therapist while I was in his office. She informed him that she too was uncertain how much was my eating disorder and how much was chronic sleep problems. Interestingly enough, she told him that I have anorexia. I don’t get it; my BMI is far too high (meaning greater than 18) to carry a diagnosis of anorexia.

 I am supposed to return to his office on the 5th of August for an appointment, and possibly sooner to return the device (in two, maybe one week).
 He seems to believe that I should integrate CBT-I into my routine (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy specific to Insomnia). Part of this includes not going into bed until I am extremely tired and ready to sleep. 

Additionally, he seems on board for minimally invasive procedures including somatic and was also wavering between the following:

 1. For me to potentially meet with his supervisor. Kaiser has apparently never ordered a cerebrospinal fluid (spinal tap) test in the sleep clinic and he’s strongly considering that to rule out narcolepsy. It gets sent to Stanford to test for a particular subtype. 

2. He is still considering Xyrem; he would admit me to the medical hospital to track respiratory status. Though it’s a strong medicine, it has saved people’s lives consolidating sleep. He said even five hours of consolidated sleep is good, which I don’t maintain at present. I mentioned Denmark and how I’ll be abroad there in one month for the following four months. He said the test could be postponed until my return from there. 

 For the next few weeks he wants me on as minimal meds as possible so poly-pharmacy doesn’t become a distraction. I’m continuing on the Nuvigil, Intuniv and Synthroid and supposed to mention to staff psychiatrist to not touch anything regarding sleep.

Initially he was wanting to integrate heavily caffeinated (military-grade) gum into my daily routine (as caffeine tires me because of ADHD. Again, he didn’t want to pursue that route at present because of poly pharmacy.

Following my appointment with him that was longer than one hour and I had waited nerly one hour to see him, I knew I wasn’t going to make it to the recovery meeting at the eating disorder facility; today’s meeting happens to be run by my favorite therapist. Oh well, missed the boat on that one. 

Next, it was off to my newly acquired somatic therapist. I arrived later than I anticipated; she was ok with it as I provided her with advanced notice of my potential delays. Upon entering her office, I was activated to say the least. She didn’t touch me at all last week, it was the first session and she didn’t want to re-traumatize my system.

This week, I was anxious for her to touch me as I heard that is how she practices. I was also extremely nervous. Since my sleeping issues have been weighing heavily on my system, I decided that it would be of great benefit to be touched today as it is supposed to bring about a sense of calm, and often people nap after session. My therapist at the eating disorder center believes somatic therapy will be of great healing for me, releasing the toxins that are pent up within my body.

She didn’t touch me for a while and when she did, I felt this energy radiate throughout my body, and it was as though a radiant light was shining distally to the front of my torso. It felt exhilarating and mysterious and unsettling all at once. I barely made eye contact with her. I couldn’t it was uncomfortable enough to be laying down in front of a therapist.

She guided her hand slowly to my kidney and mentioned it was quivering (common). She slowly earned my body’s trust and began moving it around my kidney, creating a surge of power each time she made motion with her hand. When the motion ceased, I numbed out. I was on the brink of tears until I heard session was about to come to a close. She comforted me saying I could check in with her throughout the week via text, saying something to the effect of “Are you there?” She’ll model a positive relationship for me and I appreciate that, it makes sense. I sure hope I get to sleep now.

After session, I was planning on heading to the ocean to restore my sense of calmness. The removal of the somatic therapist’s hand was just as unsettling as the initial placement. I was going to restore my spirit by heading to the ocean and then a meditative yoga class. I was debating between eating dinner and not. I was more on the brink of restricting and limiting my intake when I was on an elevator ride with a man and his young son.

The son was thrilled at the glass elevator we were riding in. The dad said, “Should we ride on here forever?… Or should we eat?” The boy, baffled, uttered, “Oh no, because then the batteries will go out.” Good point little dude, a good reminder that eating is a battery refuel. No batteries out tonight. I trekked back to the house whereupon I cooked a rather late dinner. I had a bit of a snack after that, also late.

And with that, I bid you all adieu.

Thank you for taking the time to read this blog, and remember:

If you need a pep talk, check this awesome kiddo out:

My Body is Falling Apart on Me… or, am I falling apart on my body?

Posted: 20 J0000005UTC 2011 in Education, Entertaining, Health, medication, Update
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interactive symptom checker

I think if I used one of these interactive devices, I’d overload the system.

As mentioned in previous times, I have quite a few afflictions. I’m always fascinated by the medical professionals who look at the piece of paper (containing medical history first) and then at the patient. If you were to “see me on paper”, I look like I’m dying, or should be a 500 lb. couch potato (no offense to you “couchies”- made that one up on the spot. Clever, eh?).

We’ll start with physical diagnosis and work our way across the board to emotional and psychological diagnoses (current and past included, you’ll see):

Cerebral Palsy-got that one at birth, lovely umbrella diagnosis. If only it covered or explained all of my ailments

Jaundice-birth, but after bright lights blinding me, good to go after a few days

Hyaline Membrane Disease (severe), also at birth, due to swallowing mother’s blood- ewww! No longer an issue, but am I now a vampire?

Not sure if this warrants its own line, oh well…. Multiple blood transfusions as a baby. Glad in this case to not be a Jehovah’s Witness (nothing against them, just might not be alive if I was one considering they don’t believe in receiving blood transfusions).

ADHD-definitely super duper severe (according to one dr., even with meds.) An acquaintance once said I was the poster child for this. Though I believe I have this, I wonder if the diagnosis is correct. The signs/symptoms didn’t appear until about 9.

Anemia-on and off since young adult-ish era

Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome/Disease-diagnosed at age 20, essentially reversed illness by age 24, doctor was surprised, but I got off of Glucophage (a medication for Diabetes as I was considered pre-diabetic)

Hypothyroidism-unsure if it was lithium-induced or biological in origin. Doctor never took a baseline level prior to initiating lithium therapy. First blood test showed poorly functioning thyroid levels. Have tried (with endocrinologist’s approval) to discontinue drug therapy. Unsuccessful with attempt, levels did not remain consistent off of medication.

Insomnia- this one can pretty much go back to as young as I can recall. Horrible sleeper as long as I can remember. This resulted in a diagnosis of

Narcolepsy- yep that’s right, I have clinical primary narcolepsy and primary insomnia. The doctor is mystified. Note, cataplexy though a hallmark sign of this disorder, not a necessity to make an established diagnosis. I do not have cataplexy just random falling asleep usually when under stress or extremely bored and unable to move.

Exploding Head Syndrome-yes, this is a real diagnosis as I have to explain to most healthcare professionals upon giving them my full health history. It’s just as it sounds; a large noise occurs in the head (not schizophrenia thank you) during the period between wakefulness and asleep. It is rare to happen more than a few time, rare to happen in females, non-smokers and usually only occurs in obese, over 50 years old populations. Well, I am female, under the age of 50, not a smoker, not obese and it’s happened countless time (more than 3 dozen)

PNES- also know as (Psychogenic) Non-Epileptic Seizures or NES. Traditionally, it was thought that these were “pseudo seizures”; until recently it was thought that the person was faking these seizures. It is not false advertising folks, it is an actual seizure without brain wave alteration. These seizures are brought on by stress as the name indicates.

Borderline Personality Disorder-if you have read any of my previous blogs, you’ll see where this one stems from with a heavy history of abuse and neglect.

Situational Depression- Sometimes I think I’m lucky for it to be merely situational. At other times, I am considerably frustrated because there is not a medication which alleviates situational depression and I often run into situations which trigger it, alas, it is a constant on/off battle with my brain.

EDNOS- Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified- I alternate between periods of Bulimia and Anorexia, and ordered-eating, so I get this essentially throwaway diagnosis.

OCD- I used to believe that I had the rarest diseases. My doctor even said to me, “most people come here thinking they have cancer, or AIDS and you present with this (Hanta virus)? I mean it makes sense considering my family’s medical history and my personal medical history that I should be concerned about having the rarest of diseases, right? Fortunately, I went on a awesome medication at age 15 and discontinued it at age 18. I was essentially symptom-free. Sure, here and there I have medical student syndrome, but as for all of the diagnoses I’m listing, these have been established by medical doctors or professionals.

Seasonal allergies and allergies to half of the world-trees and grass for seasonal, mold (all year-round) mild allergies to Cantaloupe, Honeydew, Coconut (in excess of a small amount), Kiwi (in excess of a small portion), Mango, Pineapple, Walnuts, Pecans, Macadamia Nuts, Chestnuts. There’s probably even more than that, I just don’t always recall it in full detail. I do however know what I’m allergic to if I were to come across it.

Urticaria, unknown etiology surprise surprise. If I’m stressed and don’t react with either eczema, a stress seizure, dissociation, surely something will appear. I’ll guess this is the etiology for the hives.

Paralyzed vocal cords-for nearly one and a half years, I didn’t have a voice. Initial speculation was cancer, followed by unknown (for most doctors), followed by overuse, stress, hiatal hernia. The whole time I presented to the doctors that it may be attributed to mold toxicity being that I tested positive for three types of mold in my system. Each physician shooed that diagnosis away aside from the non-traditional physician who initially mentioned and tested me for it. Unfortunately, he was 3.5 hours away from where I was living at the time, and I only had one day off per week, spending it going to doctors a bit closer, and occasionally relaxing. The voice came back after leaving the moldy environment and then disappeared again when I returned to an excessively humid, and therefore moldy environment, complete with breathing challenges.

Hiatal Hernia-one day my stomach felt weird, I went to an urgent care, and was referred to a GI doc. I had an endoscopy where they biopsied a part of my esophagus and this lovely diagnosis was made.

Nasal Fibroma- removed when I was 18. Removal lead to site infection which spread and led me to stage 4 antibiotics, the summer before I was set to begin college. My freshman orientation was a blur to me as I was still recovering from the infection and doped up on pain pills. Great way to end high school and start post-secondary education.

Thornwalt cyst-yeah I think I still have this one, no need for removal though as it’s not causing any signs/symptoms that I’m aware of.

Scotopic Sensitivity- sensitivity for me includes to light, and certain colors. It’s a perception disorder. Irlen Lenses can help

Speaking of perception disorders, I probably have Sensory Integration Disorder. That’s not diagnosed though believe it or not. There’s a time and place to see a doctor for things, particularly when it is necessitated. I have gone to far too many doctors offices and spewed out my history. As I’ve conveyed, on paper it looks like I’m dying, so I try to avoid stepping foot into a doctor’s office unless I have to, or because I’m observing a super awesome surgery (as I did a few weeks ago). Plus, our healthcare system does not make things financially feasible to go for any condition, never mind the significant ones.

xxx (Ken’s partner at the moment) has unofficially diagnosed me with Aspergers syndrome. I don’t take to heart what she says, even if she is a physician because she’s full of issues herself, namely an untreated personality disorder.

As a child, I had processing disorders, namely auditory processing and reading comprehension challenges. These can be referred to as learning differences or learning disabilities. Semantics.

Well, that about sums it up for now. I assure you, that if I think of any more or I receive additional diagnosis, it will be posted on this here lovely page in due time.

Thank you as always, for choosing to use your limited time to read this blog!

Fuck fuck fuckity fuck. Tharnks, Rockstar Ronan’s mom Maya for making that an awesome phrase to use, fitting of many situations.

I got off the phone with B, and was finally able to clarify what she had said the other week about a double relationship with K. Well, that was odd, because I found out that her double relationship as she sees it really isn’t a big deal, rather consists of half of the session being therapeutic and the other half catching up on K’s life, talking about life as if they were regular people. However, B brought to my attention that even though K doesn’t want her sharing with anyone (of course B told me- who knows maybe she’s trying to stir up my emotions, evoke a bit of jealousy to feel as though she has something I can’t or don’t have).

When I had asked B about where they’d have lunch, B wasn’t sure but then said house or park. Didn’t K tell me just the other week that it was a bad move to go to B’s house on the day she was fired? Didn’t she regret that? Obviously not, or I guess regrets die quickly.

I watched baby videos today and yesterday. As a baby I had no reactions to when Barbara was touching me, and it makes sense now.

Friday sucked though, First, I wake up to an e-mail that someone at our school died early this morning, cause of death, unknown at this time (I suspect suicide). Then, I go to an intake at an Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP) for eating disorders.

I was first greeted outdoors by an unkempt man, only to be brought into the office and greeted by a lady who was so thin, I could absolutely imagine what her skeleton looked like. Next, the intake coordinator who is also the owner I believe, was totally impersonal and I felt really awkward around him. He put his hand out for me to shake and I REALLY didn’t want to and avoided it, and he kept it out until I shook it, and he shook it far too long and I felt contaminated after the shake that I didn’t want to give in the first place. Even today, it’s giving me the heeby jeebies just thinking about it and I feel dirty. 

I didn’t make eye contact with him. He wanted me to open up immediately about certain things. Here’s how the intake went:

Me: “just because you closed the door and have letters behind your name doesn’t mean I’m going to spill my life to you…. especially the first time we meet.”

Guy was an asshole and asked me to put my phone away even though I wasn’t doing anything on it. I just need to constantly fidget, thank you ADHD

Me: You don’t even know what I’m doing on it.

Asshole creep: What are you doing on it?

Me: That’s not something that’s any of your business. (The guy evidently had a complex and felt the need for power and control, made apparent especially when 2:00 came around and he said he had someone else to see and refused to answer my question.)

Me: So are you going to “allow” me to come here?

Asshole creep: I’m not sure this is the right place for you. I think you need someplace that has a more psychiatric component. I have a 2:00 appointment now.

Me: Really it’s a simple question with a simple answer. You’re judging my case by what  you’re reading on a paper and hearing from me, even though I’m telling you most of my treatments were mistakes and forced upon me as the Identified Patient. So, what are you going to do?

Asshole creep: I’m going to call so and so to see if there’s a more appropriate place for you and then call you. Sorry it didn’t work out (totally unsympathetically).

Me: Oh, well thanks, I’m used to it…  walked out.

Asshole creep deemed my case too complex.  He was bizarre, thought that I need more psychiatric level of care, didn’t look at the big picture like only two people have throughout my various treatments. It takes a special individual.

 

Then I saw K and that was horrible from the get go. I was devoid of emotion. I finally asked her why she didn’t respond to my text earlier this week:

“I’ve tried to do something about disconnection and nothing’s working. I’m really detached and idk why or what to do about it.”

K: I didn’t know what to say. It wasn’t specific enough, I thought “oh, thanks for letting me know”.

I started to get heated, thinking that no one really does understand me and no one ever will. K and I went in circles about how I logically know that I don’t have a family, I read Adam’s text to her (the one when he told me I’m not part of the family) I told her about the student’s passing.

K: How do you feel about all that? (nice, typical therapist response/question-I’m smirking internally)

Me: I don’t feel a thing about it, I don’t feel anything. 

She kept repeating that she doesn’t know how to help me in this way and that, and I kept saying

Me: I need support. 

K: What does that look like?You need to specify

You damn well know B didn’t ask K to have lunches with her. K simply rescued her, and apparently won’t rescue me.

K: What you want is unreasonable and you can’t expect everything to work out the way you want it to and for support to be there the way you want it. It doesn’t exist. There isn’t someone like that to fulfill what you want.

Me: Oh, ok (in sarcastic tone). It seems hypocritical because other people get it, and I just need support.

K: What does that look like?

Me:  I don’t know because I’ve never truly been given it.

K: Well ok, that makes sense. It’s because you don’t let people in.

Me: That’s because when I do let people in, they let me down.

K: That’s because you try to find excuses for why people aren’t good enough for you.

Me: I’m confused because for the longest time I would constantly go back to my family thinking they were good for me and I was the problem and then I finally realized that wasn’t the case and went away from them. 

K: You pick out people’s faults and then shut them out, like it gives you a reason to not connect or something.

Me: That’s not true. I know that my advisor has faults and I still like her. There’s plenty of people who I may have done that to, but not everyone (as she was insinuating).

I kept saying I needed support and was confused because it seems hypocritical to say one thing and do another (as is the case with her and B and how she’s about to have lunch with her everyday, though I didn’t mention it).

So why is K being a rescuer for B and not for me? She’s enabling her behaviors by going to have lunch with her the sicker she becomes.

K: You don’t need to have something drastic happen and be really sick to get the support you need.

Me: That’s not true, apparently I do because when others are, they get it.

K: Harshly, loudly, abruptly, she said, “Is all this about the B situation again?

I went into it. First I started staring, then my right hand began twitching and then I kept trying to fight off the seizure. K tried to get my focus and couldn’t. I knew everything going on, just couldn’t talk.

This was the first Psychogenic non-epileptic seizure (PNES A.K.A. NES)  I’ve had in well over 1.5 years. While trying to fight it off and not being able to talk, I realized that it really does stem from pre-verbal abuse. I couldn’t express myself as a baby, and I couldn’t talk at present moment.

K: Laura, Laura, Laura. If you won’t reply to me, I’m going to have to call someone to pick you up.

She said this a few times, and then grabbed her phone.

I tried to get my neurons reconnecting, anything to indicate that I heard her, and just couldn’t respond.

Well, she proved to me on a different level that getting sick does get one attention.This is not what I intended, this is just what happened for being in a heightened emotional state.

K: I can’t just leave you in this state. I’m going to have to call someone to pick you up.

I thought I knew what she meant, and I tried to get my neurons firing again to say no don’t summon an ambulance. I mean so many reasons revolve around that. I’d pay a butt load of money for something that’s not pre-authorized, and I’d probably know the people on the ambulance since I’ve done EMS work in that area. Plus, hardly any medical professional actually understands PNES.

I find it weird because I experience body sensations I can’t really describe. Speaking as someone who has suffered through long bouts of dissociation (months at a time), I’d say PNES’s are worse because I remember them and I feel a sensation that I can’t control and I can’t talk even though I’m fully aware of what’s going on.

Eventually I wrote notes on my phone to K and showed them to her. I stayed way past my original appointment time, and by the end was speaking broken, monotone, robotic-like sentences. At least the cloud of detachment lifted a little, almost like a fresh start to feel emotions. I put this shield up, and when having a slight seizure, the shield became a little less strong. This may be good, at least therapeutically for feeling emotions, even though it sucks to feel them.

K says it makes sense for that to have happened, especially if I haven’t been having emotion for nearly 2 years (I corrected that, saying it was only 1.5 years). She said it’s like I just push the emotions away immediately and then they get stuffed (like the teapot effect).

B called me as I was in K’s office. Earlier, I told her I’d be at her house around 4:30. She called me as I was fighting off the seizure and I wasn’t able to answer.

I did see B after K deemed me fit enough to drive. While hanging out with B, she asked me when my break would be, when would I be moving out there (for the summer). I told her mid-May and she tells me that  more lovely news. The house manager/owner of many sober livings told her I’m not to be living in her house come summer, and that I’d be living in the shitty house I lived at last summer and over winter break. This is the house with people significantly older than me, older people who are super unstable and a house manager who is constantly high on pain pills.

Um, no thanks! When was the owner going to tell me this? Probably never, pawned the task off onto B. 

Oh yeah, also it was my friend’s birthday earlier this week, missed it because I didn’t see her and found out that my group of friends I eat most meals with are going to celebrate tonight. I wasn’t invited. wtf? I really don’t have friends, the world is a cruel place.

Oh and I can’t get excited to study abroad because I have no guarantee that Ken will actually pull through and purchase my ticket, considering triple ex has constantly talked him out of things and he meshes with other’s personalities, instead of having an individual personality.

To sum up, I’m looking at another ED (eating disorder) program except I don’t think the timing works well on this one and I may not be able to go. K wants me to get the ED under control so we can work on things further like grieving.

Monday may suck… a lot. My step-aunt died nearly two years ago on the 8th and when calling my step dad (Michael) to say my condolences and saying I could come to the funeral, he told me pointedly that I wasn’t invited because I since I hadn’t been speaking to Barbara that would be hard and it was already hard enough. He talked to me like an animal just as he has done most of my life. I never felt true emotional connection with him, he’s a fake.

6 days later, I found out via Facebook that my best guy friend Morgan died on April 8. So both my aunt and he have the same death day.

K was talking about my need to grieve and then I said to her the grief isn’t so much an issue for my aunt as she and I weren’t close; it was merely the harsh response I got from Michael in regards to the funeral situation. With Morgan however, that’s a whole separate entity and I haven’t really had the chance to grieve like  should, because I’ve never really grieved anything.

She suggested that I do something in memory of Morgan, asked me what he and I used to do. We’d drive to places without a destination in mind, we’d watch movies until the wee hours of the morning, we walked the pier in Santa Monica. We hung out, we talked about anything and everything. Existential talks, I miss them. I miss Morgan. I did connect with someone, and that someone is no longer here. I get why I’m so disconnected, so detached.

I always knew that addiction ran in my family. That’s why I never tried drugs; figured I’d be hooked the moment I started.

Mental illness also lies thick in the blood, many people under or un-diagnosed.

I’m the “identified patient” here. The easiest way to term an “identified patient” is say that he or she is the sick one while everyone else is honky-dory.

I’ve had my fair share of diagnoses: Bipolar, Type 2 and 3 (very different), Borderline Personality Disorder, Situational Depression, Aspergers, Major Depressive Disorder, AD(H)D, Tourettes, Eating Disorder NOS, Pseudo-seizures, Exploding Head Syndrome (I swear it exists… it’s just REALLY RARE-look it up!)…  the list goes on and on. I practically use every page of the DSM-IV revised edition, soon to come out with the brand spanking new DSM-V-way easier to type!

I didn’t touch drugs and I barely touched alcohol after one of my professors says it kills brain cells, 10% to be precise, and hey it could be the good 10% I need to have an awesome, fulfilling life, right?

I gave up those chances two nights ago. I want to escape my reality. I’ve self-injured (cutting, burning, tricotillomania (hair-pulling), dermatillomania (skin-picking), lashing. You name it, I’ve most likely done it, and if I haven’t, I’m probably willing to give it a try. It’s not working anymore.

Drugs… I can’t control, I don’t actually know what goes in those, so no siree, not my cup of tea, thank you, moving on-next please. I wanted to save my brain (or what little is left of it after my brain-damaged premature birth).

Alcohol is rather easy to access, and for me, right now, it’s free. I started drinking last night; the self-injury wasn’t cutting it (no pun intended, swear) and I needed a new thing. My friend had a bad day, and we were supposed to go out together for a drink. Didn’t happen due to unforeseen circumstances.

Didn’t stop me though; I thoroughly enjoyed getting extremely happy with none of those “depressant” side effects alcohol usually causes in people. Disclaimer: My brain is special and unique as is yours-this may not be the case for you-This is my life, this is not about suggestions for yours (at least at this moment).

I’m slightly afraid of becoming that closet alcoholic and messing up my life even more so than before and yet, I feel happy when drinking and I like it.