Posts Tagged ‘boundaries’

Since I’m on this kick of stream of consciousness, I have to write what is currently irking me. Last night, the house staff approached me to have a “pow wow” in the front room. She has a pack of pudding in her hand and tells me that this is for me, _____ is replacing it because she ate mine. I looked at it, saying, “well I don’t know if I can have this brand, I’ll have to check, I can’t just have any brand”. She proceeds to tell me that this is the same brand ____ took. I thought for a moment, saying, “I don’t have this brand, so it wasn’t mine.” She confirms this with me, and then goes back to _____ saying that it wasn’t mine and asked her what she wanted to do with this (replacement) pack. _____ says to put it on her shelf in the refrigerator.

Granted, _____ didn’t take my food this time. My concern is when is this binge eating others’ food going to be looked at as stealing? I understand I am in eating disorder treatment and yet there has to be a barrier, a line drawn, and someone has to realise that even though it wasn’t my food this time, it has been my food in the past. I honestly am at a point of absolute disgust; I don’t care whether or not the food is replaced; at what point is this going to be seen as a violation of boundaries and trust, and that this is actual theft? And to be clear, I am not entirely biased and think that stealing food is wrong. After all, at the age of 7, I played the boy in the marketplace in Aladdin and my sole line was, “I want an apple, I need an apple, I’m hungry.” Then Aladdin goes on to get food for me through stealing… or something like that…

However, this person taking the food is not poor, is not a child, and has the resources to go to the market herself. And Aladdin was a play where no one who could afford food actually took food outside of scripted lines. This person I am referring to who took the pudding likes to have her entire life catered to her, lay in bed for days on end, expecting people to care for her, and people to be quiet and cater to her every beck and call. I am not one of those people who is going to act any differently towards her when she is in one of her states, and I am fuming that she gets away with taking food time and time again.

I recently went out and bought a lot of delicious food because I may be unable to drive for a while after my eye surgery this week. I want my food to remain there until I consume it, not anyone else, less they have my expressed permission. I am not living in a place where food is communal, and I have limited finances to put towards food, and am grateful that I receive money each month to purchase food. How dare someone take my belongings, especially without asking. It wasn’t me this time, it was someone else. How unfortunate to think that I live with a food thief, a person who thinks that she can do anything and get away with it. She has done more than most and not received consequences. She speaks in a harsh tone to others without so much as flinching, she lays in bed for days without being discharged or moved to a higher level of care, and she steals food, even though she has the money. Amazing what money does to someone; now go to the store and get your own damn food with that same money.

I couldn’t fathom why K hadn’t texted me back after the text asking “4 on Sun?”. My thoughts have been:

1. She didn’t know what to say. She knows exactly what she did. That’s why she’s not calling me or texting me to see how I am.

2. She didn’t know I was affected

3. Even if she does know, she’s a really bad therapist (never mind the whole other situation) for not responding after some time of my not responding. She’s a pretty shitty therapist to not follow up after her last text on Wednesday considering it’s out of character for me to not respond. Why isn’t she responding?

4. I wish you (K) were my friend too. I need a friend. I need someone to check in on me, someone who I get along with, someone who can trade life stories with me.

Evidently, as of now, apparently she thought I was coming. Just received the following text:

Running Late K

The therapist at my school believes I should report K.

You know, up until the past few days, I’ve never experienced something like I am now. This wave, this rush of sadness and emotional pain that starts in the pit of my stomach and ends in my throat happens dozens of times a day.

I wish you were my friend.

Now that you’d technically be on the clock, now you’re texting me?

R u coming

I don’t think so, considering I’m an hour away, sitting on my laptop typing this. Are you ever going to step up to the plate and acknowledge what you did? How can you act like you don’t know? And hey, even playing devil’s advocate, if the numerous incidents that have occurred in the past week didn’t tip you off, there is NO WAY I can deal with this now, on break.

Even the mediocre doctoral students are better than no one around to run things by, and they have break too this week. The one I saw on Friday “applauded me” for “only” restricting and not resorting to other behaviors. I guess she thought that losing 8 pounds in four days was a no biggie. And so instead, I’ve been minimizing my emotional pain by restricting my intake. It’s overwhelming to even process all that’s happened even at this extreme restriction level, imagine full-fledged feelings and actually hearing things (including answers) I may not want to hear.

This will be an interesting next few hours. I’m going to try to remain as objective as a news reporter to the situation, yet somehow I don’t believe I can be that detached. It’s also interesting because I know for a fact that C will be seeing her today at 6:30PM, and I told C I’m not doing well (didn’t divulge the reasoning behind it though). I’m not sure if B has an appointment today as well. She and I haven’t been in contact aside from the one text conversation I mentioned in a previous post and one other time about her asking when I was coming to the sober living on Saturday night (yesterday). Apparently, the house manager didn’t relay the message to her that I wouldn’t be staying there. B didn’t ask how I was actually doing any of those short texts. Some people might say she’s too wrapped up in her own stuff to think about others. That might be accurate. Some would say that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t talk with her about what’s going on. The aspect I find most fascinating throughout though is that K, fully aware of how much B has been struggling STILL went to her house IMMEDIATELY after she was fired to tell her. Do you know how easy it is for someone not in denial of an addiction, but not wanting to change ways to completely immerse herself into another person’s life, another person’s drama, so that for a bit, their focus can be entirely elsewhere? I’ll tell you. It’s pretty easy. It’s great, it’s appreciated. AND IT’S DANGEROUS… AND B’s VERY GOOD AT REDIRECTING HER ATTENTION ELSEWHERE. I just want to flick K on the head with that decision because she knows B well enough to know that’s exactly what B did after K left. She shifted her focus to anyone’s problems except her own.

We’ll see what K makes of this whole situation today, we’ll see if she takes any action whatsoever beyond this last text. We’ll see if somehow she can recognize, acknowledge, and validate my pain. I wish it with all my heart that she’ll take notice, and yet, I doubt she will.

I still wish you were my friend.