Posts Tagged ‘brother’

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Starting out three months too soon,

He didn’t make it.

My twin was too little,

I took the nutrition,

This you’ll hear, is my rendition.

Left alone, parents aside.

Only touched out of necessity,

Rarely for love comfort,each time much brevity.

Fed through my head because I couldn’t feed.

A little weird, I think, because apparently I managed my needs:

In the womb, next to my brother,

The moment we’re out I don’t get another

Moment near him as they swooped him away,

Or fell into the bucket, there’s none who will say.

None who can or will tell me the truth as I stare off into space,

Appearing aloof.

Bitterness abounds as my family breaks apart.

It was at my birth, at my start.

Sure there were problems and problems before,

I can’t help but think I added to the stress more.

Regardless, I was an innocent life,

Quite fragile, delicate, and constantly under the knife.

They thought I was stupid, young, naive.

I knew what was going on, always protecting my reality,

Not wanting to believe,

That my parents couldn’t love me,

That they constantly grieve,

The three children they had

1 dead

1 dying

and the last, keeps trying.

That’s me, the last, a bundle of unknowns,

I stepped away to grow up on my own.

From a very young age I never connected,

They blamed birth, the brain bleed, always something indirect.

They never stepped up, they never confessed,

That all this, all this came from distress.

If they were dead, this life might make sense.

At the very least, I would have evidence, and my world not as dense.

I despise them, I pity them,

For parents they are not.

I used to want to leave, ran away a lot.

No one helped me as I sat in despair.

I was the crazy one, life perfectly unfair.

I was judged, ridiculed, abused all the time,

When I asked for help and spoke the truth, it was as if I did the crime.

I didn’t, I was just a little kid,

Shouldn’t have to take care of myself,

Yet I did.

This pattern created a grown up too soon,

From the age of 6 I was off, zoom zoom.

I began to rebel, only from them,

I began to stay away, always sent to my room.

The monster within me wouldn’t leave,

As I destroyed my things, myself, all in a vain attempt to grieve.

For not having a mommy to cuddle with when I was upset,

Not having a daddy as he was filled with his own, deep-seated regret.

I did have Barbara, emotionally and completely destroyed.

I did have Ken, an unstable adult child, who I sometimes enjoyed.

Then there’s Michael, who never really liked me,

He noted this before and to the police I was crazy,

And last from my childhood was Judi, far from a lady.

I yearned to connect, to please have a family,

No, not for me,

That would be uncanny.

As my world unraveled, I followed suit,

How did I not die on this treacherous pursuit?

I was done, ready to die,

What kind of life is this, all alone, with no one nearby.

Somehow I’ve lived, they call it fortuitous,

They call it a miracle, they call it bliss.

I don’t know what to say,

I just don’t want to struggle, through this, day after day.

I want to live, to stay alive,

Yet there’s uncertainty and death has been near,

The angels called for me, and I was like a deer,

Caught in the headlights, unsure how to proceed,

As the angels waited nearby,

Would I concede?

I didn’t go, not wanting to die alone,

But I was ready, done with the drone,

Of being sick, unloved and unwanted,

The only hope I had left, slowly dissipating,

My life was on the edge as I was done fighting,

Too scared to die, too tired to live,

I drifted through the night, unable to give.

I woke in the morning, rather confused,

The medicine finally worked, I didn’t lose.

I was alive, albeit tired, weak and meek,

Wanting to finish school, week after week.

I loved where I lived, not wanting to leave,

Yet I had to, this time,

If I wanted to breathe.

Life is breath,

Breath is life,

I must remember this pattern to be rid of the strife.

I’m alive now, I’m writing this down,

Missing Denmark, my twin, and my upside-down frown.

I was happy there, though I was sick.

I had friends, ones I could pick.

I’m lost here, where I don’t belong,

I’ve nothing here, not even a mom.

I have me, only me, someone I despise,

Who stole from a baby, ripped apart a family,

All by being alive.

 

 

 

The male who I am a progeny of called tonight and a ton of information was divulged.

I’ve been avoiding his recent contacts as he’d like to come out here to see me. It’s been nearly one full year since I’ve seen him. I attempted suicide less than two weeks after seeing him.

Seemingly receptive, I told him the truth and how I’m hesitant to see him considering he takes on the personality of the girl he’s with. Being that he’s not seeing anyone at the moment, I told him I don’t want to get my hopes up because the moment he finds a new prospect, his and my relationship will crumble yet again as per status quo.

I divulged pieces of the past to him as if he hadn’t known. I told him how one of the first questions therapists asked me as a kid was “is anyone hurting you”? and how I always said yes and no one did anything.

He told me he never understood why I wasn’t connecting to the world or therapists, and seemed to recognize that as the reason.

He admitted I was abused in every way even though it wasn’t “intentional” (another long story short). I don’t understand his failure to act and fight for me tho he knew I was in a “toxic situation” (his words, with particular reference to female chromosomal donor’s house (wife 1) and how if things weren’t done her way, I’d get in trouble, which was quite often as I rebelled all the time).

Considering he’s one of the best in the nation fighting for strangers, I’d think he’d fight for his own kid.

He admitted to cheating on wife 1since I was two months old. When I was in the hospital apparently she rarely visited me, spent all her time with my brother and when she was offered maternity leave upon my discharge at two months old, she declined it.

He said that turned him away from her; he couldn’t understand how anyone wouldn’t want to be with their own kid and would chose work over the kid.

He told me he has PTSD now from his most recent relationship with “xxx” and he was emotionally and physically abused by her and she has “multiple personality disorder” (DID) and he didn’t recognize that even though my brother and I constantly told him she was crazy.

There was a lot that transpired and came out tonight and I’m putting it down before I numb out entirely and forget it.

Thanks for taking the time to read the words.