Posts Tagged ‘loneliness’

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Starting out three months too soon,

He didn’t make it.

My twin was too little,

I took the nutrition,

This you’ll hear, is my rendition.

Left alone, parents aside.

Only touched out of necessity,

Rarely for love comfort,each time much brevity.

Fed through my head because I couldn’t feed.

A little weird, I think, because apparently I managed my needs:

In the womb, next to my brother,

The moment we’re out I don’t get another

Moment near him as they swooped him away,

Or fell into the bucket, there’s none who will say.

None who can or will tell me the truth as I stare off into space,

Appearing aloof.

Bitterness abounds as my family breaks apart.

It was at my birth, at my start.

Sure there were problems and problems before,

I can’t help but think I added to the stress more.

Regardless, I was an innocent life,

Quite fragile, delicate, and constantly under the knife.

They thought I was stupid, young, naive.

I knew what was going on, always protecting my reality,

Not wanting to believe,

That my parents couldn’t love me,

That they constantly grieve,

The three children they had

1 dead

1 dying

and the last, keeps trying.

That’s me, the last, a bundle of unknowns,

I stepped away to grow up on my own.

From a very young age I never connected,

They blamed birth, the brain bleed, always something indirect.

They never stepped up, they never confessed,

That all this, all this came from distress.

If they were dead, this life might make sense.

At the very least, I would have evidence, and my world not as dense.

I despise them, I pity them,

For parents they are not.

I used to want to leave, ran away a lot.

No one helped me as I sat in despair.

I was the crazy one, life perfectly unfair.

I was judged, ridiculed, abused all the time,

When I asked for help and spoke the truth, it was as if I did the crime.

I didn’t, I was just a little kid,

Shouldn’t have to take care of myself,

Yet I did.

This pattern created a grown up too soon,

From the age of 6 I was off, zoom zoom.

I began to rebel, only from them,

I began to stay away, always sent to my room.

The monster within me wouldn’t leave,

As I destroyed my things, myself, all in a vain attempt to grieve.

For not having a mommy to cuddle with when I was upset,

Not having a daddy as he was filled with his own, deep-seated regret.

I did have Barbara, emotionally and completely destroyed.

I did have Ken, an unstable adult child, who I sometimes enjoyed.

Then there’s Michael, who never really liked me,

He noted this before and to the police I was crazy,

And last from my childhood was Judi, far from a lady.

I yearned to connect, to please have a family,

No, not for me,

That would be uncanny.

As my world unraveled, I followed suit,

How did I not die on this treacherous pursuit?

I was done, ready to die,

What kind of life is this, all alone, with no one nearby.

Somehow I’ve lived, they call it fortuitous,

They call it a miracle, they call it bliss.

I don’t know what to say,

I just don’t want to struggle, through this, day after day.

I want to live, to stay alive,

Yet there’s uncertainty and death has been near,

The angels called for me, and I was like a deer,

Caught in the headlights, unsure how to proceed,

As the angels waited nearby,

Would I concede?

I didn’t go, not wanting to die alone,

But I was ready, done with the drone,

Of being sick, unloved and unwanted,

The only hope I had left, slowly dissipating,

My life was on the edge as I was done fighting,

Too scared to die, too tired to live,

I drifted through the night, unable to give.

I woke in the morning, rather confused,

The medicine finally worked, I didn’t lose.

I was alive, albeit tired, weak and meek,

Wanting to finish school, week after week.

I loved where I lived, not wanting to leave,

Yet I had to, this time,

If I wanted to breathe.

Life is breath,

Breath is life,

I must remember this pattern to be rid of the strife.

I’m alive now, I’m writing this down,

Missing Denmark, my twin, and my upside-down frown.

I was happy there, though I was sick.

I had friends, ones I could pick.

I’m lost here, where I don’t belong,

I’ve nothing here, not even a mom.

I have me, only me, someone I despise,

Who stole from a baby, ripped apart a family,

All by being alive.

 

 

 

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No one’s problem, everyone’s burden. That’s me. No I’m not having a pity party, more of a realization overload. And I’m feeling hurt, very, very hurt.

Ever split the word therapist up? I have, many times. There are a lot of ways to break it apart, to me the more intriguing is, “the rapist”.  And that about sums up what I feel right now. Exposed, violated, obliterated, kamikaze, sneak attack.

Let’s rewind to a few months ago, late December. Recently discharged from the hospital, I went back to live at the sober living I was living at during my school break. A new person arrived at the house a few days later. I’ll call her “B”. I didn’t make anything of it as B kept to herself most of the time. We began talking one morning, and she asked me what I was doing that afternoon, and was wondering if I could give her a ride to her therapy appointment that afternoon at 2. I said I could but that I’d have to drop her off early since I also had a therapy appointment that day, at 3. She asked me where I was going for my appointment and it turned out we were going to the same town. Then she asked me what therapist I see and lo and behold, we had the same therapist. I’ll call her “K”. This was a shocker to me, big time, but it’s the first thing B and I connected with. We both adored K, and upon arriving at K’s office that afternoon, K was entirely confused to see that we both knew one another and said that it was good that I was only at the sober living house temporarily or else that would create a conflict of interest for her… totally understandable.

B and I became really close, really quickly. We both had a lot of issues thrown into our lives, and reacted to these issues very similarly. B was the first person who actually showed me through her actions that a positive life is possible, even after going through tons of shit. B and I spoke fondly of K, and one time we both agreed that we wished K could be our friend, outside of being our therapist since her demeanor was absolutely awesome and she’d be a chill friend to have. We both met K as outpatients in a partial hospitalization program (at different times). K began individual therapy in conjunction to the group work last October. B and I talked often on the phone after I left the sober living about one week after we met. We saw each other quite a bit still, and then the visits began dwindling down, namely because of my hectic school schedule. We were in and out of touch for weeks, not due to anything in particular. I saw B on Sunday after a session with K. She had an appointment with K as well. She and I barely talked, it felt awkward.

I had just come out of a rough session with K. Ever since my decline about one and a half weeks ago, stemming from sleep deprivation, I’ve been in a funk. I cried the entire last ten minutes of my session, non-stop, saying I needed support and I had none, because I can’t continually give it to myself, it’s draining, it’s entirely too difficult. K wasn’t terribly empathetic or sympathetic and just kind of shrugged it off like, “you’re in that place again”.  I tried to explain to her how dark and depressing it was, she just didn’t get it. We talked about how I haven’t pursued jobs actively since being let go over the summer and how traumatic of an experience that was.  I even e-mailed her afterwards saying I didn’t understand how it was unusual to want support, to need support, and knowing that I can’t get it in the expected places, how was I ever to heal without strong support? I got an odd reply. I replied back with another question and have yet to hear back from her. I don’t want to hear back from her. I don’t want to hear back from a two-faced person, a hypocrite. Here comes the main story:

B has also been in a funk, and declining rapidly. She’s barely eating the equivalent of one snack per day. I didn’t know this until Sunday. I decided I valued our friendship so much that I’d skip out on one class today, one that I enjoy and one that overlaps with an Eating Disorders Anonymous group I’d begun attending over the break. So while we were mulling over what to do with this afternoon, after I had driven over an hour and affording gas that I really can’t budget in without selling more items (I’ve over 100 up for sale on Amazon), B’s phone started ringing. It was K, and she was asking B for directions to her house. This was unusual, my jealously started creeping in. K had no clue that I’d driven out to see B and attend the meeting. We thought that K was coming to convince B to go to the meeting. K and B met in the garage, nothing unusual about that as there are couches and other furniture there and it’s a relatively private place.

B swore the meeting wouldn’t be long because she wasn’t going to be convinced into recovery essentially. I didn’t believe her because K is one of the only people who B confides everything in, and K is pretty good at relating. So when B came in a few minutes later, I was a bit surprised. My surprise rose more when B said, “You won’t believe what happened; K got fired” (from the group therapist position).

That’s when it came to my attention that B and K have two relationships; a professional and therapeutic (very skewed, many mixed messages, tons of jealously rushing through my veins). I told B after some other discussion, “Well I guess you got your wish”. And now I keep wondering… where’s my wish? Where’s my support? Why doesn’t K want to hang out with me, confide in me? I hate the secrets, the suddenness of this all, the double lives they both seem to lead. And I hate that now my support has dwindled to 0. I lost faith in my advisor a few weeks ago, after I tried to go to her for emotional support, and she told me I was a grown up and could deal with the presenting issue at the time my own. But hey it was ok, because I still had K. I still had K and I kind of still had B, somewhere in the back of my mind.

This is such a twisted situation because the two people I’d usually confide in about this are the two involved in the overall situation. I had practically begged to K for support and she wouldn’t give it to me as I needed. She hugs B when B needs a hug as I’ve witnessed.I crave positive human affection and attention and the safest person to give that to me (K), has given me a hug once. Found out also today that K calls B daily to check up on her. Where’s my support, where’s my check up? I need it, I need that support sooo badly. K knows that. I crave having a positive relationship with someone near my age. The three of us are all relatively close in age, five years separates me from K and two years. from B. Conflict of interest my ass! I’ll show you a conflict of interest, right here, right now. I want so badly to have a conversation with K about this whole situation and at the same time, our relationship would never be the same after, and for me, it already isn’t. I have no words to say to the one person I’m supposed to be able to say every detail of my life to. I’m done with her, and I’m devastated because of it.

Today, I’ve lost my sources of support, all of them, and even if not literally, I can’t look at K the same. There’s no equal treatment in her eyes and she’s playing favorites and not giving equal or professional treatment to her clients. B became her friend. Who am I? Scum on the bottom of someone’s shoe. Scum people’d rather chuck aside than deal with scraping off. My walls are tumbling down, I am exposed, I am vulnerable. Enduring the pain of losing the trust of someone who’s supposed to be a safe person, a reliable person, an overall honest person is too difficult to rationalize, conceptualize or emotionally handle. I don’t want to go through how much it hurts to lose faith in humanity all over again. I’m distraught over this, and contemplating the reason for all of this pain and heartache. I need to establish a connection with someone trustworthy, because at this moment, there’s no one and I don’t believe there will ever be another person to rekindle this flame with, therapeutic in nature or not.  And the walls came tumbling down.