Posts Tagged ‘lonely’

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Starting out three months too soon,

He didn’t make it.

My twin was too little,

I took the nutrition,

This you’ll hear, is my rendition.

Left alone, parents aside.

Only touched out of necessity,

Rarely for love comfort,each time much brevity.

Fed through my head because I couldn’t feed.

A little weird, I think, because apparently I managed my needs:

In the womb, next to my brother,

The moment we’re out I don’t get another

Moment near him as they swooped him away,

Or fell into the bucket, there’s none who will say.

None who can or will tell me the truth as I stare off into space,

Appearing aloof.

Bitterness abounds as my family breaks apart.

It was at my birth, at my start.

Sure there were problems and problems before,

I can’t help but think I added to the stress more.

Regardless, I was an innocent life,

Quite fragile, delicate, and constantly under the knife.

They thought I was stupid, young, naive.

I knew what was going on, always protecting my reality,

Not wanting to believe,

That my parents couldn’t love me,

That they constantly grieve,

The three children they had

1 dead

1 dying

and the last, keeps trying.

That’s me, the last, a bundle of unknowns,

I stepped away to grow up on my own.

From a very young age I never connected,

They blamed birth, the brain bleed, always something indirect.

They never stepped up, they never confessed,

That all this, all this came from distress.

If they were dead, this life might make sense.

At the very least, I would have evidence, and my world not as dense.

I despise them, I pity them,

For parents they are not.

I used to want to leave, ran away a lot.

No one helped me as I sat in despair.

I was the crazy one, life perfectly unfair.

I was judged, ridiculed, abused all the time,

When I asked for help and spoke the truth, it was as if I did the crime.

I didn’t, I was just a little kid,

Shouldn’t have to take care of myself,

Yet I did.

This pattern created a grown up too soon,

From the age of 6 I was off, zoom zoom.

I began to rebel, only from them,

I began to stay away, always sent to my room.

The monster within me wouldn’t leave,

As I destroyed my things, myself, all in a vain attempt to grieve.

For not having a mommy to cuddle with when I was upset,

Not having a daddy as he was filled with his own, deep-seated regret.

I did have Barbara, emotionally and completely destroyed.

I did have Ken, an unstable adult child, who I sometimes enjoyed.

Then there’s Michael, who never really liked me,

He noted this before and to the police I was crazy,

And last from my childhood was Judi, far from a lady.

I yearned to connect, to please have a family,

No, not for me,

That would be uncanny.

As my world unraveled, I followed suit,

How did I not die on this treacherous pursuit?

I was done, ready to die,

What kind of life is this, all alone, with no one nearby.

Somehow I’ve lived, they call it fortuitous,

They call it a miracle, they call it bliss.

I don’t know what to say,

I just don’t want to struggle, through this, day after day.

I want to live, to stay alive,

Yet there’s uncertainty and death has been near,

The angels called for me, and I was like a deer,

Caught in the headlights, unsure how to proceed,

As the angels waited nearby,

Would I concede?

I didn’t go, not wanting to die alone,

But I was ready, done with the drone,

Of being sick, unloved and unwanted,

The only hope I had left, slowly dissipating,

My life was on the edge as I was done fighting,

Too scared to die, too tired to live,

I drifted through the night, unable to give.

I woke in the morning, rather confused,

The medicine finally worked, I didn’t lose.

I was alive, albeit tired, weak and meek,

Wanting to finish school, week after week.

I loved where I lived, not wanting to leave,

Yet I had to, this time,

If I wanted to breathe.

Life is breath,

Breath is life,

I must remember this pattern to be rid of the strife.

I’m alive now, I’m writing this down,

Missing Denmark, my twin, and my upside-down frown.

I was happy there, though I was sick.

I had friends, ones I could pick.

I’m lost here, where I don’t belong,

I’ve nothing here, not even a mom.

I have me, only me, someone I despise,

Who stole from a baby, ripped apart a family,

All by being alive.

 

 

 

I’m grateful to have something productive to do with my days; I returned to school as a “mature” learner (I think it’s called).

Jealousy is on my mind tonight. Things I admit being jealous of:

-Not having my original freshman year turn out the way I planned. Had a severe infection summer before college and missed out on most of the orientation getting-to-know-you activities being doped up on medications.

-Lack of a support system. All of these people constantly talk about their parents, their family, their significant other, blah blah blah. Who do I have??? No one healthy to say the least. No one in close proximity to lean on, to be ok crying in front of, someone who won’t send me to the hospital when I say I want to self-harm.*Note: Crying in front of my advisor (who I only met three weeks ago) is more embarrassing than comforting, though she was kind about the situation.

The first person who I believed actually believed in me is a doctor, who works over an hour away, and due to legalities, it’s not like I can just pop in for a chat. I’m fortunate to have e-mail communication with her though.

-Just got word that a friend of mine is going to a program this MD heads. I’m quite jealous simply because the MD is incredibly supportive and I need someone like that on my side.

-On breaks, where do I get to go? No where. I’m worried about all of that time alone.

-Having financial security. My finances are slim and only getting slimmer.

-Sleeping at night. I can count on one hand, maybe two how many nights of my life I recall being a good, restful night’s sleep, not induced by medications. I am terrified of the night. I am alone at night. For me, it’s just all all-around terrifying situation.

-Friend having a baby. I’m happy for her, unplanned as it was. I know I want to have a child and not necessarily for the best reasons; except someone looking up to you, and me essentially having unconditional love for that person, that is something I crave.

-Spirituality: I am “spiritually bankrupt”. I am trying to replete this account. I need some faith back in my life. Attended two services this week, please I hope the connection comes soon; I’m hanging on by loose ends.

-Intelligence that comes easy, or for that matter, anything that comes easy. My day is constantly slowed by the pace I walk, the speed I process, the words I attempt to convey in a class, in a conversation.

-Emotion Regulation- If my emotions were associated with an art product, it would be the most colorful paint palette available. They are too strong, and change too quickly. As I believe I’ve mentioned in previous posts, I can feel like I’m on top of the world and want to die all in the same day, same hour for that matter.

-A way to vent that is productive and healthy.

-Going a week without actually wanting to die. I still want to; I want for one day to go by where I don’t regret that I attempted to take my own life one and a half months ago.

-Jealous of people who have people, again, support. It’s a lonely world.