Posts Tagged ‘support system’

I guess I don’t really need something dramatic to fill up this space every time I write. I notice that is usually when I write-when shit hits the fan. I’ll write about family today, and the aspect that everyone seemed to negate in my life namely therapists.

I’d often complain or be sad that I don’t have a family, saying that’s who is supposed to help me through the rough times. Therapists always gave the generic, “Your family’s toxic, you need to find friends who you can utilize as your support system”. Then I went to Denmark, and prior to my arrival, during my last appointment with my dietician, she said I could stay here (at the treatment center) for a really long time, and that I’ve built a support system here.

I told her that I’d be living with a host family and she said, “That’s not the same, they’re not going to be your family.” Those words dug at me deep because I knew that DIS (where I study abroad) hooks students up with amazing host families and that the experience was more than a traditional host family (not that I’ve had much to compare to).

Still,  I didn’t have much to retort with to her aside from, “it’s different”.

Fast forward to four months later, my last night in Denmark before I was leaving on a short break. I walked through the doors after completing my last final exam and found that my host grandpa died unexpectedly. I felt compelled to stay and not leave the following day, though I had business to care of in the US.

Before she went to bed, I gave my host sister a present. Her mom, “our” mom Katja was around as I gave the gift.

Months earlier, Victoria had seen my harmonica and really seemed to want her own. This was the gift I gave to her that night.

Katja began tearing up, saying that her father played the harmonica. I had unknowingly kept a tradition going while making my 9 year old Danish sister satisfied.

Serendipitous moment.

I’m grateful to have something productive to do with my days; I returned to school as a “mature” learner (I think it’s called).

Jealousy is on my mind tonight. Things I admit being jealous of:

-Not having my original freshman year turn out the way I planned. Had a severe infection summer before college and missed out on most of the orientation getting-to-know-you activities being doped up on medications.

-Lack of a support system. All of these people constantly talk about their parents, their family, their significant other, blah blah blah. Who do I have??? No one healthy to say the least. No one in close proximity to lean on, to be ok crying in front of, someone who won’t send me to the hospital when I say I want to self-harm.*Note: Crying in front of my advisor (who I only met three weeks ago) is more embarrassing than comforting, though she was kind about the situation.

The first person who I believed actually believed in me is a doctor, who works over an hour away, and due to legalities, it’s not like I can just pop in for a chat. I’m fortunate to have e-mail communication with her though.

-Just got word that a friend of mine is going to a program this MD heads. I’m quite jealous simply because the MD is incredibly supportive and I need someone like that on my side.

-On breaks, where do I get to go? No where. I’m worried about all of that time alone.

-Having financial security. My finances are slim and only getting slimmer.

-Sleeping at night. I can count on one hand, maybe two how many nights of my life I recall being a good, restful night’s sleep, not induced by medications. I am terrified of the night. I am alone at night. For me, it’s just all all-around terrifying situation.

-Friend having a baby. I’m happy for her, unplanned as it was. I know I want to have a child and not necessarily for the best reasons; except someone looking up to you, and me essentially having unconditional love for that person, that is something I crave.

-Spirituality: I am “spiritually bankrupt”. I am trying to replete this account. I need some faith back in my life. Attended two services this week, please I hope the connection comes soon; I’m hanging on by loose ends.

-Intelligence that comes easy, or for that matter, anything that comes easy. My day is constantly slowed by the pace I walk, the speed I process, the words I attempt to convey in a class, in a conversation.

-Emotion Regulation- If my emotions were associated with an art product, it would be the most colorful paint palette available. They are too strong, and change too quickly. As I believe I’ve mentioned in previous posts, I can feel like I’m on top of the world and want to die all in the same day, same hour for that matter.

-A way to vent that is productive and healthy.

-Going a week without actually wanting to die. I still want to; I want for one day to go by where I don’t regret that I attempted to take my own life one and a half months ago.

-Jealous of people who have people, again, support. It’s a lonely world.