Posts Tagged ‘transitional living’

Since I’m on this kick of stream of consciousness, I have to write what is currently irking me. Last night, the house staff approached me to have a “pow wow” in the front room. She has a pack of pudding in her hand and tells me that this is for me, _____ is replacing it because she ate mine. I looked at it, saying, “well I don’t know if I can have this brand, I’ll have to check, I can’t just have any brand”. She proceeds to tell me that this is the same brand ____ took. I thought for a moment, saying, “I don’t have this brand, so it wasn’t mine.” She confirms this with me, and then goes back to _____ saying that it wasn’t mine and asked her what she wanted to do with this (replacement) pack. _____ says to put it on her shelf in the refrigerator.

Granted, _____ didn’t take my food this time. My concern is when is this binge eating others’ food going to be looked at as stealing? I understand I am in eating disorder treatment and yet there has to be a barrier, a line drawn, and someone has to realise that even though it wasn’t my food this time, it has been my food in the past. I honestly am at a point of absolute disgust; I don’t care whether or not the food is replaced; at what point is this going to be seen as a violation of boundaries and trust, and that this is actual theft? And to be clear, I am not entirely biased and think that stealing food is wrong. After all, at the age of 7, I played the boy in the marketplace in Aladdin and my sole line was, “I want an apple, I need an apple, I’m hungry.” Then Aladdin goes on to get food for me through stealing… or something like that…

However, this person taking the food is not poor, is not a child, and has the resources to go to the market herself. And Aladdin was a play where no one who could afford food actually took food outside of scripted lines. This person I am referring to who took the pudding likes to have her entire life catered to her, lay in bed for days on end, expecting people to care for her, and people to be quiet and cater to her every beck and call. I am not one of those people who is going to act any differently towards her when she is in one of her states, and I am fuming that she gets away with taking food time and time again.

I recently went out and bought a lot of delicious food because I may be unable to drive for a while after my eye surgery this week. I want my food to remain there until I consume it, not anyone else, less they have my expressed permission. I am not living in a place where food is communal, and I have limited finances to put towards food, and am grateful that I receive money each month to purchase food. How dare someone take my belongings, especially without asking. It wasn’t me this time, it was someone else. How unfortunate to think that I live with a food thief, a person who thinks that she can do anything and get away with it. She has done more than most and not received consequences. She speaks in a harsh tone to others without so much as flinching, she lays in bed for days without being discharged or moved to a higher level of care, and she steals food, even though she has the money. Amazing what money does to someone; now go to the store and get your own damn food with that same money.

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Don’t tell me to go to bed because:

1. You want to go to sleep

2. Knowing my sleep history, forcing bed upon me does not resonate well with me and my well-being

3. Knowing what happened the last time I went to bed before I was dead tired (meditated and continued having nightmare after nightmare until I was finally asleep. This makes me think that you want me to have another nightmare, and that you don’t truly care about my needs.

Tell me to go to bed and I assure you, you will have greater problems than you began with. Let me be, and no issues will occur. I hate the night, there’s no need for your attitude to make it any worse.

Not only are you trying to be in a position of authority over me when clearly you are threatened by my retorts, and consider them arguments, you try to listen to an incompetent individual in the house who at the moment is talking out loud to herself and smacking her lips intermittently singing some bs song in a smoker’s voice. I fucking swear, if you listen to her and don’t re-direct her shortly, then you have fallen even lower in my Respect Book, and I will have less and less for you.

Creating a rule that doesn’t exist and attempting to implement it on a whim doesn’t sit well with me. It insinuates that you are narcissistic and don’t actually think you need to work to have a paycheck.

It was already a rough day for me, figuring out a lot of new aspects which contribute to my disordered eating, no need to push my emotional boundaries right now thanks.